Forward Ho!

There, I've said it again

2011-12-21T11:27:00.000-05:00

I survived, and actually ended up having fun, doing the interview with Rudi Rudinski for NDEspace.org on the Carribean Radio Show through BlogTalk Radio. Dottie Clark was a great help to me with her friendly encouragement. Dr. Richardson is going through a rough time right now and took the time to put on the show for us. It took a lot of people, their talents and time to make it happen.

The link in the post below will let you listen to it, if you are interested. We covered a lot of topics. Rudi made it easy to find my thoughts and express them...

You really can't know why things happen as they do. This was originally scheduled for the 12th and got moved to the 19th...I sent an email out to those I thought might be interested in listening. One of my email friends that had read the book earlier wrote me to say he had intended to "go home" (via suicide) that day, but stayed to hear our talk...and has now decided to stay on longer here.

To be rescheduled meant I had to be nervous a week more. :) It didn't seem like a good thing to me. It meant something different to my email friend. He saw it as a reason to stay; to hear our words on the THAT date. That we cared he stayed lifted his spirit.

To know that even ONE person was helped by us in doing that show made it so very worthwhile to me...and all I did was talk...share words...

When we care and share we can change life for the better for each other. I might never had known how important it was to that friend, but he is here today and I am glad!

It took all those people in so many different locations on this planet to put those words out there and we helped one find the strength to keep living and loving...Go Team!!

First Radio Interview

2011-12-18T16:25:00.000-05:00

I will be interviewed about my experience with dying and death tomorrow night, Monday, December 19th at 11:00 pm. You can listen live here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/caribbeanradioshow/2011/12/20/near-death-experience-the-mystery-of-suicide-death

Call in numbers for questions are 347 202 0222 or 661 467 2407.

You can read about my experience at http://www.1way2see.com/thebook.html

This is a first for me. I have done private interviews and one for Discovery Channel that was not used...I'm curious to see just how it goes.

For my long time readers, I first wrote about it here:
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/lost-and-all-alone.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/love-is-everywhere.html
http://forwardho.blogspot.com/2006/02/someone-to-watch-over-me.html

and now I'm going to sit and be nervous for awhile.... :)

It's just another day

2011-12-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

I'm having some trouble with comments, friends. I get them in the email for moderation since the spammers started acting up again. I'm not getting them to post right. Sorry for that, I'll figure it out...

Now the cell isn't getting any coverage where I usually have five bars and I can't call out right now. I'm supposed to be helping some friends with a website and can't call them for info! AArrrrrgh!

Must be the solar flares messing me up... :)

Sister and I had a good afternoon hitting the used stores yesterday then going to Mom's for Bible Study. I got kinda tired out by the time I got home and unloaded.

I don't have a lot of energy lately. Taking it easy has become a specialty of mine. So that's the plan. One load of wash and take the rest of the day to relax...

Not a bad plan! :) Back soon!

Any day now...

2011-12-04T15:33:00.001-05:00

I am all settled in at the little cabin again. My health has been less than perfect, but I have been getting by okay. I have neighbors that are friends to visit with, books to read, chores to do and it's been much more peaceful. Only bedtime and home comings bother me with sadness and I'm doing the best I can with that, for now.

You just get your feet back under you, going along feeling like life might be settling down for you and then, from out of the blue, something comes along to change things again...

I got an email the other day asking me to participate in a radio show about Death Experiences or "NDE's", as they are commonly referred to. It was from an aquaintence on a web forum so I looked up the info and it was valid.

I have posted my experience with death online, free to read, at http://www.1way2see.com/ . It is also available for a token price on Amazon Kindle, so that it is a copyrighted, published ebook. I have a forum there that I check in on daily. It had become more habit, than need to write...I mentioned earlier that I think I will be writing more. Now I know I will...

On Monday, December 19th, at 11:00 PM I will be on the Blog Talk Radio Show to be interviewed about my death experience. It should be interesting. I will post links to listen when they are available to me.

Maybe things are going to get interesting around here for awhile...

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes

2011-11-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

Well, I keep trying....that's the good news. The bad news is that this blogs seems to have gone from "happily ever after" to a repeating series of train wrecks on the rails of love...

Partner and I are already splitting up housekeeping. I have to conclude that I'm just not fit to live with...I seem to expect too much of myself and others on this planet.

There's no fighting, no major personal hassles being dealt with, I just can't live the way he does. My little cabin was waiting for me and I'm almost all tucked back in there. He's going to be a neighbor now and I'm even looking forward to it. The music will still be good. The recording will be fun, the jam sessions will be great! It will just all be better if I can go home when it's not fun for me....

I know me well enough to know that, after a time, I will be lonely again and probably try to find another to be with here. But I'm taking another long break, I think. My heart is tired...

Thought I'd jump on here and let you all know I'm still kicking, but I've had to back up and punt one more time...

I'll be busy getting the cabin ready for winter and expect I'll be back around here. The writing bug is crawling around in my head again and I think it's going to bite me soon...and it's going to be a long winter....

Is it really so hard to just be honest with each other? And why is it so hard to be honest with ourselves? That seems to me to be the biggest problem with relationships....just simple honesty...

So I'm back in my beloved little cabin and glad to have it. It's a peaceful haven and a refuge for me and, I hope, for all my friends and family...

Let's see what happens next, shall we?

Partner

2011-10-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

Partner and I

2011-10-09T10:10:00.002-05:00

It seemed like it might be time to add a note here, just for those still wandering in and out of the blog.
I spent the winter huddled down in as little of the house as I needed to heat for plumbing. The internet was my "real" home and my phone was my "vehicle". (Bless my friend in Texas for getting me through the long nights.) I took photos of the birds that hung out on the feeders and shared the good ones with the family and friends on facebook for entertainment. There were a couple rescue cats getting fed, too. Tuesday Bible study was about the only time I had people over. And I had my ebooks the Eldest shared with me. I got a lot of reading done. It was cold and lonely, but I got through the winter.

Come spring, I was trying to get the yard whipped back into shape. The house was still for sale but no one had been by to look at it. I wanted it tidied up. I got a lot of it done. In June a friend on FB said she was looking for a place and picked my home to rent. The family was a huge support to me. I found a little cabin on a lake that needed tons of work that I could rent cheaply. They rallied and put tons of hours and work into it. So did I. It was exausting me.

In the middle of all this, I recieved a note through a dating site I was on. It said "We have a lot in common and I think we should talk." I replied out of curiosity and after a week of emails, we went to phone calls. I took an evening off working on the cabin to drive to the Big City and meet the christian, blues guitar player with a beard.

It was a long drive after a long day and I got too tired, but I found his home, finally. We talked and played music until 4am. The drive home was really difficult, because I was so very over tired. I did make it safely back and slept hard the next day. I resolved not to go back up there again. If he wanted to see me he'd have to get down here...

By the middle of August I was finally settled in and able to find my things again. We had a great housewarming party! Many of my friends and family showed up for the fire and even through the rain we roasted hot dogs and had fun. When the day cleared up, the guitars came out and we went back outside to enjoy an evening of music.

I loved the little cabin and was adding and subtracting "things" to get it comfy for the winter. The Man in the City and I advanced to making video calls. A couple times a day we'd sit and talk. My friend in TX gets thanks for getting me on the video call program. I am still enjoying it, when I can, with family and friends.

After a week or two of 'net contact, the man in the city decided to come and see my side of the world. I was having a second party for the neighbors and new friends that I had begun to know who had made me feel so welcomed. I invited him and he arranged to get here.

It was a second great party! And the Blues Player fit right in with my other music friends. We played and sang until about midnight. And ate! These people can cook!

He never really went back home again. I'm having a hard time finding a nicname for him here...Being so uniquely himself, the easy nics don't really fit him. I guess I'll call him Partner. It turns out that that is what he is. I think we will be good partners...

We made a trip to his home to get the cat and his important things and the little cabin became very cramped...neighbors in the Big House next door moved out. The landlord was amiable to us moving there...Partner and the neighbors started moving us again...and MAN I hated that! I just got it all unpacked and here we go again!

But we did it. The little cabin is all ready for a new person to love and the Big House is mostly straightened out. We still have some fussy sorting and fine tuning to do, but we can mostly find our stuff...and the normal chores are getting easier to do.

I have Partner in my days again. We are still getting to know each other, but it's easier because we have much in common for enjoyment. Computers, fishing, music, and a deep, spiritual base to our lives. There are things that aren't easy for me, and things that are hard for him, too, but we have been working through them together.

He has done so very much to make it easier for me. He does what needs done when he sees it. We both like the house neat and try to keep it that way. We do chores together. The little deck here has his smoker and my little grill on it and they are getting used. He seems to be becoming contented here. We need to find a church to attend and get the rest of the shake down done on the house, but we can take our time doing it now.

I am no longer alone. It is such a comfort to have a man in my days again. He does things differently than I am used to, but is working with me to smooth out the rough edges between us. I do things differently than the women he is used to, too...but I think we are going to be okay in the long run and I think I have a good partner again.

I am hopeful and enjoying my days again. I think he is, too.

Life is good.

Time Passages

2011-01-02T11:05:00.002-05:00

I left you hanging with me in Texas, happy with a chance to love again...it was so much fun I never did get back here to tell you what happened next...and I didn't finish up the Tennessee adventures very well, either. I got the important things shared though, so I don't feel too badly..

There are those of you who have been here from the beginning and followed along to other web places and I treasure your friendship...a few have been left here in blogland...I'm sorry for that.

It's time to admit that the writing bug has changed over...I don't feel the need to be here and share all my days anymore. I have moved over to Facebook and find more of the family able to use it and more of my real life friends there.

I won't swear this is the last post, ever, because I don't know what might move me in the future, but I'm hanging this as the last post for the new year and hoping that my writing will be going into books...I have stories to tell and thoughts to share that I want to have a larger audience for than this blog does.

Texas was a joy to me. But the "we" didn't make it...We established that our friendship is solid and true, but we are not meant to be life partners. It was sad and difficult for both of us, but we worked it out between us and didn't over damage our hearts doing so...

My Tennessee friend had a stroke a week after I came home from there and was very injured by it, mentally and physically. He's just now getting himself back together. It's been hard for him and we have had to enjoy our friendship by phone and email since. He still makes me smile and having me and mine in his life has helped him through this time...but we can't be partners, either.

I found no work in TX...4 heart attacks makes it hard to get hired and the ostio arthritis is continuing to affect my mobility. The state of MI decided I qualified for disability so I moved back to the house. The renters hadn't stayed very long before they decided to go elsewhere as a financial measure. The mortgage is still in a mess, but about the first week of December I got news that I qualified for federal SSI and SSD in October. When that all shuffles down, I will have a steady, if small, income and I'm hoping to get this house sold to the next family that needs a place to love in so I can move on and find my new home.

And the search for a companion and lover in my days continues. I don't seem to be able to be happy without it. I know that being in TX with a caring partner was a deep joy to me and it was very hard to give that up. But I will not regret that we didn't make it all the way, I would only regret not trying to enjoy love in my days and share it with another....and we DID do that!

My holidays were almost "normal" this year, in that I didn't spend all of them hoping I wouldn't spoil them for everyone with my grief and missing the mate. I was lucky enough that my texan came home to visit his family and they included me in their fun. And it was fun to have someone beside me again! We know how to be friends together and have fun and we did! There was music and games and good food...

I have been blessed with enough to meet my needs and to share this holiday and I enjoyed giving smiles to others again.

I almost thought I would go back to Texas. I have friends there that I enjoy - but I feel a need to have the situation with the house resolved fully before I can leave again. I don't see a way to stretch the money for just a visit right now. But you never know, it could happen, and there might be a stop in TN along the way...

These years of learning to live as myself again, without my loving and beloved mate have been filled with moving, deep experiences. The depths of feeling I am capable of and the lack of caring due to selfishness I have showed to be parts of me surprised me.

I've learned to care more for others and to value their love for me more highly, but I would still like one more partner for the sunset ride.

Until then, an RV or small camper has been sounding good to me, a home I can take wherever I go...I don't have much "stuff" and will fit in one. But I still don't know what or where I will go next. Life is not always going and doing something somewhere...or being a base for others to launch from...It's loving each other just the way we are and helping each other be the best we can be here from where ever we stand.

So that will be all for now. If something comes up, I may be back to post it, but if you want to follow along in the real world with me, find me on Facebook.

I don't friend up with everyone, but if I know you from here, you are welcomed there...put a note in with your request so I have some idea who you are or which blog was yours....

And thank you all for helping me through one of the hardest times in my life...I'm still here and I don't think anyone believed I could do that. Without the love in my life I would not have made it this far. You have all been part of that.

Hugs, friends!

And the times, they are a changin

2010-09-17T09:40:00.003-05:00

It has been a pretty long row to hoe this last year. I have had everything I needed, but a lot of it I couldn't do by myself. The family and friends have been keeping me together through this years un-health and two heart attacks. The house I've loved and loved in so long was getting to be too much for me to handle. I was tired all the time.

Back in 4/08 I met MoBluz. It was a wash, as a relationship, but it has remained a solid friendship. We had been in touch for web site schedules and such, even after he moved to AK. I didn't hear from him often but I still kept up with his kids on myspace and such. When he would call with new bookings to post we'd catch back up with each other. His marriage went to pieces several months ago and he was dealing with a depression as deep as mine.

He moved from AK to TX ,where his son and DIL live, but free nights and weekends on his phone gave us time to encourage each other over the miles. The changes we were both dealing with were difficult sometimes and our hearts were lonely. A friendly voice eased the hurts for both of us and the talks rolled deeper.

Last time I was in the hospital his late night phone calls helped get me through the long hours I couldn't sleep. He stayed in touch after I went home on an almost daily basis, to know I was doing okay. Things were pretty rough the first two weeks home, for me, and hearing how he was finding places to make music lifted my heart. He found a place to rent, got moved in, was singing out as a solo act and moving on.

I had my heart fixed the 5th of August. On the 29th, he asked me to join him in Texas.

I had almost died, again, and I won't miss a chance to be happy. I said yes.

I thought it would be two or three weeks to get the house closed down and move. The BestGirl stepped in with an offer to do it for me. Tithe came to fill my needs. #1son and family, ReRoy, Mom, Sis....my friends Sunny Girl and KMA and so many more stepped up to help that I was sorted, packed and gone in three days.

And now I'm deep in the heart of Texas with MoBluz again. He has done an amazing job of hauling and moving things so I don't have to. He's made fine dinners, homemade soup, grilled me some BBQ chicken and we have been singing together again....I haven't had a bad day since I got here. It's a big change for both of us. It may be a wash out again, but it's a second try for love. I can't skip even one chance at that.

The bookings are coming soon, the bills are getting paid, and we are enjoying our days the best we can. There are things that aren't perfect for either of us, but we are trying to deal with them openly and with gentle words. It's good. We are still under stress, with no "regular check" coming in and the home needs a lot of work when the weather cools down...but it is do-able in small chunks.

I've done so much more just moving my body and getting out of the computer chair to live since I've been here that I've lost six pounds. I have energy again. I wake up glad to be in the new day and ready to leave what I touch better than I found it...He's smiling and laughing more, too.

So there's been a shift in location, health and attitude. There are multiple problems with relocating that I'm taking on one at a time and while it's confusing, it is getting done. For now, I'm an imported Texan.

The landlords are good people, the friends I have meet through Dennis are good people and I'm smiling as I type today, with laundry hanging out to dry and a list of chores to do before the first rehersal with the new drummer for the rebuild of the MoBluz Band on Saturday.

Wish us luck and send your prayers. We are on shaky ground trying to start over again at our ages...but we are gonna give it a shot. Worst we can do is fail, and it's not like we both haven't done that before. But we may succeed.....and won't that be fun to write about!

Stay tuned for updates. I'm gonna try to get back to this once a week for awhile so I don't lose track of how far we've come....

Thanks for reading and hugs to all of you!

And having the music back in my every day is bring me a quiet happiness.

Do you remember, that night in September

2010-09-11T09:45:00.000-05:00

...when so many never came home again? When days went by while families pray the Lord would keep their loved one safe. Miracles happened that day for the ones that were spared. Grief and changes were the portion of those that lost their loved ones. They continue to this day.

On September 11th, 2001 Martin John Coughlan, 54, originally from County Tipperary, Ireland, was murdered. He was just one of the 2,996 victims of the coordinated terrorist attacks against the United States. Read my memorial here: http://invisiblewounded.blogspot.com/2006/09/2996-in-memoriy-of-9112001-martin.html never forget

2,996 is being bombarded with hits. Please add to their effort to keep this day alive in our hearts. MORE than 3,000 Bloggers asked to be included in this memorial effort. Some of them are readers or people I read and I am proud to be working along side them so this horrendous attack will not be forgotten.The complete list of memorials is here: http://www.dcroe.com/2996/?page_id=2 .

I challenge you to read them all. The few I have been to are heartwarming tributes and bring home the reality of the huge loss in talent and love we lost that day. Bless all the families coping with it still.

May Peace come to this world.

Anytime, you're feeling lonely

2010-08-15T16:30:00.004-05:00

to thank your luck stars you aren't fighting or feuding with anyone...at least, that's what I try to remember. There are worse things than lonely.

I'm not dead yet. I wasn't taking bets on it, however. I have been in for my heart twice in less than four months. I still don't think it was done correctly the first time, but it seems to be mostly better now...

I had a run in with a doctor who believed the correct place to vocally accuse me of being in again because of my own negligence was while I lay on his table, directly after my surgury. I am not happy about it. Not only is his timing abominable, his manner angry and accusing, but he had his facts wrong and he owes me a BIG apology....

Dr. Fritz, a cardiologist who works out of Butterworth or Spectrum Health in Grand Rapids was rude, not just to me, when I was almost completely defenseless, but he went on to be abusive and rude to my sister, who had done nothing but the best she could for me for months now. So, yes, his name is here to be Googled.

I was told that it was my own fault that I was back so soon because I would not take my medications.

Now the doctor at the last hospital gave me coupons for my meds, knowing I had no income. The problem was that - and I'm guessing it was because of the coupons - that he had to re-issue the prescription when it ran out after 30 day.

Three pharmacies in two states and myself called that man's number and could not get him to take the time to renew the prescription. That is why I could not get my meds.

Even if I had gotten Medicaid (and because I am NOT an immigrant in Michigan I can not get Medicaid, there is a freeze on it unless you qualify as disabled...which I haven't, yet. Yes, they TOLD me if I was an immigrant I could have gotten it. Talk it over with your Representatives...) if he would not call and renew the script, I could get no medication.

We all tried. It was not my fault he did not fulfill his part. Having Dr. Fritz, chose to verbally assault me with incorrect information did NOT make me happy. It made me less happy that he would not listen to my explanation - or my sister's explanation, which was the same as mine.

And really, even if you have to work on someone you believe is not taking care of themselves properly, is directly after the procedure, before they are allowed time in the recovery room the place to discuss it?

Uh....NO!

But at least his skill level seems to be superior to that of the previous doctor. While I am very tired very often right now, I hadn't slept well for weeks before the procedure...I'll get caught up with myself eventually and start feeling like moving around and singing again.

I can't say enough how much my family and friends did to get me through this. I know they think NOT being there, for some of them, was rough, but it was what I needed at the time - just space to be tired and worn without worrying how I worried them....

I had transportation, food, phone calls, yard work and almost everything, right down to house chores covered the last few weeks - and I know they all love me.

I love them, too. The ones that were around and the ones that couldn't be around or that I asked to just pray and let me rest....

But I am very upset about Dr. Fritz's manner toward myself and my sister. All he had to do was call the pharmacies to check my story...and he did not. He lambasted me in front of his staff and then did the same to my sister.

I have waited to address this to cool off and consider if I was over -reacting...and I don't think so. In my opinion it was unprofessional, rude and callous. And to get after a relative for another persons faults (if it HAD been my fault) is inexcusable....so I'm going to be making some calls...

I have a follow up apt. tomorrow, NOT with him. After I'm home I will address this issue.

And thanks to all of you that have sent your good wishes and prayers to me. I really appreciate the smiles you've shared....

Keep enjoying today - it really may be all you have...

We've got tonight

2010-07-30T04:28:00.002-05:00

Who needs tomorrow? I guess, if you get all you can do done today, you don't...but silly humans keep expecting it to be there...

I'll do it later, I'll mend my fences later, I'll call my friend later - whatever you think up and pass over with the expectation of doing tomorrow you have to be willing to leave undone.

There are not just the two of you in the equation. There is all that can happen in less than a minute to change lives...tornados, earthquakes, hurricanes....lately oil spills are big on the list....a lot of people here in Michigan that planned on doing a little yard work tomorrow are having to pack and move today. They found out oil spills don't just happen in the oceans and now they are being asked to leave their homes....

Some things only you can do here. I keep trying to remember to do those things today. Now. I try to remind my people to do it now.

My "now" has been getting much shorter than "tomorrow". My last heart procedure doesn't seem to have done the same job of making me feel better that the first two did. I didn't feel much better from it and now I'm planning on getting it done over, soon...and wondering if I can make it through a fourth heart procedure. Lots of people do.

But I am not putting things off as much as is my usual habit. And that's not bad.

If I don't call someone, it's because I know all is well between us. If I wait on writing a bill it's because I know someone else can write it later if I don't get it done.

But if I have something to share from my heart, I'm getting it done now. And that's messed me all kinds of up lately.

I keep opening my mouth or fingers on the keyboard and what I see comes out. Usually, and we have discussed this between bloggers before, we edit ourselves for our audience. I'm still doing that but much less.

I have an amazing family, loving and caring kids, every one of them and including my sister's children and a few strays I've picked up over the years, a loving mother, good, better and best friends and they have all been as supportive as they can while I am feeling puley.

There should not be even one that does not know I love and care about them. I got that done every time we talked, visited or typed each other. So did they. I am loved.

So as I negotiate the financial difficulties, the paperwork for help, the inability to do much of my own chores and such, I have had all the love I needed.

And you really don't need more than loving care between one another to keep spirits filled with contentment and joy. Content, knowing we have done what we can for each other, joy that we had what we needed to do it. And peace, knowing we have loving hearts that care with more than words.

We have done the best we could. Every one of us. While there are dark times and thoughts unshared, lonely tears in the night, fears and stress of life unspoken by many of us, at the very bottom, we know if we just open our mouths and tell someone, they will care and help us the best we can. Even if it seems a small help, that someone cared is always big enough to get another over the hump and moving again.

There is no shame in having a need. But you should feel like an idiot for not sharing it with someone, because we can't fix it if we don't know it's broke. Sometimes we can read hearts, but none of us are mind readers. And those that care, even if they can't fix it themselves, often can help find a way to deal with it. But YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP!

And now, here is the truth as I know it. There are things you will feel you can't say to another living human, no matter who they are...there are needs you will have that you can't believe will ever be filled....

Speak them to NoMan. Just speak them. Say them to the universe, pray them to Jesus, but get them outside your head through your mouth and start sending them outside yourself and see what happens.

Nothing changes until something moves. Words are vibrations created by you. Those vibrations, small as they are, continue through the ether and I believe they affect the world around you. Yup, they are invisible. Yup, you can't measure them easily. But I remember that they can listen to words through the walls of houses now with electronic instruments - by picking up those vibrations....they are real.

So move the world. Speak your need, even to no one, and I believe something/one hears. I believe someone cares and will respond....

A friend called last night to offer me a night at the fair. I had to tell her I couldn't go. So nothing really happened....but she offered and I felt good knowing I have a friend that knows me so well and cared that I didn't have my trip to the fair this year. I felt cared for. I hope my thanks helped her feel kind and caring. I think that something happened. Even though we never left our homes....love was exchanged.

And I think that is where I was going with this, we've got now, tomorrow is so very much not promised. If you are holding on to something loving for another, please do it now. Give them that hug, tell them they did good, give them a hand with chores, drop off a book.....

Don't wait to exchange the love between you and those you love....please, do it now.

I know you can't maintain the constant thought that you may not get later. When tomorrow keeps showing up, it's hard to think it might not be there next time you need it. And no one wants to think about partings when they are having fun loving right now. That's okay. Just try, once every day, to check your heart and get done what ever you have to for another to know they are loved....that's enough.

I think it's better to do it when you get up, then at least you have today to get it done in. At night, you are often tired and out of time for doing - that's when you can be thankful for what was done for you and what you were able to do....I like that.

If I make it until Monday, I think I will be going back to get treated for this latest whatever is not right. If I don't make it, I know all my people know they are loved...except one, and I'm working on it...today.

Love is all you need

2010-07-21T08:06:00.004-05:00

I like the Beatles...and I grok their enlightened music that some never understood.

I have been living what I believe and life is carrying me forward, still. I have had what I need provided, one day at a time to the point where I can't avoid sharing it any longer.

I have paid the mortgage, the utilities are covered, all with no income.

Money comes in the mail, it comes from out of nowhere, it comes unexpected, and it has kept coming.

I keep sitting here updating and building websites, cheering on my friends and family online and staying cool and it just keeps coming....

My health is shaky but I know that is covered too, in it's proper time. While I'm here I love and care the best I can.

I'm telling you again, if there is something only you can do, do it now.

And if there is something you need, pray. Call it what you will, The Force, the Source, the Creator, God, Bubba, the Big Kahuna, there is a loving divine being that cares for each of us. I call it "Hello, Central?" a lot, because I believe that through that being we are all connected.

Even sitting here alone, when I care enough about some one or some thing, to pray, I see a response. I have seen it bring homes, vehicles, computers and love to those that are lonely...and I see it keeping me covered here.

It's real. And it runs on Love.

So love green, love rain, love the kids, love music, love your partner, love that funny looking dog, but LOVE! Do things because you love doing them, and send the love in you to those you love, even just with your thoughts, and it will enhance their lives and ease their days......

Last night as I lay down and dealt with the pain I was experiencing, I closed my eyes and started to ask for relief, when a deep sky blue flare of a star lit up behind one eye (and ya, I know that's weird...so? it happened) and I knew that one somewhere prayed for me so strongly that I received a visible representation of their love for me....

So what? The pain started to ease and I slept. I slept a full seven and a half hours. I woke feeling rested....I have been sleeping in four hour "whenever" bits, having to be sitting up, not getting any real rest for weeks.....

It may not happen again tonight. But I know last night, those that loved me prayed and got me some real rest. I feel a little easier today.

We don't die. There is a Divine Being, God, Goddess, whatever - that cares. Do unto others as you wish they would do unto you is the only way to live because we ARE all interconnected as one huge creation.

So be good to yourself today, by being good to someone in your life. And if you can't get right over there and see them, send a little love via the interlifenet....pray. (meditate, become one with the source - I don't care what you call it)

I know when day is done

2010-06-25T11:34:00.002-05:00

that a new world comes at dawn....

Gotta keep looking up. Things around here are speeding up on me. New friends made and lost, old friends rediscovered, music to make, places to go...it's all starting to spiral down to change...

Again.

I know that where I go is where I am needed to be. I just don't know yet where I'm going.

Today was the last unemployment check.

I have internet for two months, phone for one, enough for the first forebearance payment to the mortgage company and a month's utilities. I've made all the calls I can think of to make to find help for keeping the house long enough for it to sell, it's been listed for a few weeks now...if it doesn't sell or rent, life is going to get very interesting....

It is a beautiful day out and I think I'm gonna mow the lawn later.

Then I have to make some decisions.

Stay or Go. Try to meet my obligations or walk with what I have saved? Yard Sale? No question there, just gotta try to pick a weekend....

I've been here the longest of any place in my life. I used to be used to change. One year I moved nine times...with kids. I can do this. It's time.

It's time to see what else life has to offer, to not be tied to animals and property, to be free to write. I can keep the computer and cell running off the truck, if I can keep gas in the truck...

It's a little overwhelming and a lot to deal with...life has been so good for me here. I have had all that I needed and enough to share so long that I'm a little afraid of going back to the "your welcome" side of life. But I have been there before, too...

What's next is always strange to ask...anymore it meant what will come to me that I can help with....right now I'm looking up and reaching for a direction...and something to fill the gap in the finances....but the book said, "don't take money, an extra cloke or food, just go do what I told you." It's not like there isn't enough to go around...there is...

Living what you believe can be more challange than you think. I guess I'm going to see if I am up to it. I believe I will be provided for in some way, a job, perhaps, or just pennies from heaven...I have to wait and see.

I always think, when things get hard, maybe I won't make it much longer and it won't matter. I've had three heart attacks now.

I'm not having the next one from stress....

I didn't have much of a Plan A, and I don't have a Plan B at all....I know it will work out as needed to put me where I am needed..

But I'm going to be tumbling with the tumble weeds for awhile, if I live long enough.

And as I am still here, I think I'll go mow the lawn....

It's been rough and rocky traveling

2010-06-01T19:56:00.006-05:00

but I'm finally standing upright on the ground....

Had to cut my visit to TN short. I would have pouted but I know that the time I gave up is letting another friend reach for their dreams. Can't hardly be upset about that! Studio time in Austin is not to be passed up. So they had to go and I wandered on home.

I'm getting caught up with myself. It turned out to be a whirlwind tour. I met so many people and saw so much of the country that I can't remember where I did what hardly.

I love the hills, rocks and rivers down there. I loved the people I met. Just folks trying to get through life loving and caring about each other. I loved the music I got to share. What a bunch of talented players and singers!

Nashville is cleaning up at warp speed from the floods. The folks are out and singing in the streets again although the crowds are thin still. I had fun seeing the sights and shopping for tourist trap presents. I avoided the tackiest ones - like this:

Murfreesboro was a whole new place - none of it seemed familiar this trip. But last trip I found a creek with a big rock in it, a hole in the rock was home to a frog who looked too big to get out of the hole. This trip there was a tree with a busted limb that had a hole in it and....

Mama cat and looks like at least four, maybe five kittens all tcked away safe and sound. They live in the back yard of a friend and I did scare off mama, but she came back after I got the pictures and settled down again. I had the computer outside to get some fresh air and enjoy the land while I enjoyed the wifi and caught up with everyone.

I didn't get a photo of the Gateway to the West this trip, but the sunset threw a lovely shine on it as we drove through town. Town seemed to stretch further than I remembered and there was much more decay visible as abandoned buildings and such lining the roadway.

So I will try to get some more up here soon...Thanks to all of you that still stop in. I heart you!

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz

2010-05-28T12:08:00.005-05:00

and that's where I am, Tennessee! I have been to Paris, Parsons, Nashville and Murfreesboro. Today I'm headed for St. Louis, MO to see the Gateway to the West again. I haven't been there in many years (about 24...LOL!)

I'm having too much fun and enjoying a lot of music with my new friends down here.

More later, but the battery is going down on this machine so I'm outta here!

Walking the floor over you

2010-05-23T11:17:00.003-05:00

can't sleep a wink, that it true....LOL. Hello all. Haven't been here in awhile. I'm very sorry. I had been feeling a little run down about the time I posted last. Didn't realize it wasn't the winter blahs until my heart started to kick up again...

The 16th I made some calls and found a ride to a hospital over in Really IS a Big City. I had a rough go as they refused to believe morphine doesn't work on me. Apparently dilatted doesn't, either. But when, 8 hours later, they finally moved me to a room, the doc only left orders for morphine....tears just ran down my face. I wasn't really crying, I just hurt so bad that they didn't believe me, that my face leaked.

The nurse on my floor went through the channels and got me some demerol, which does work, at 1 in the morning...amen! I finally got to sleep about two. When I woke up I went to war with them for following insurance protocols when I don't have insurance. Some dipstick actually said, "Well, we're not sure you're having a heart attack." I looked right at them and said, "Is that what the records will show when I point out you gave me 3 nitros and asprin in ER and the results of the blood work?" They had already tolk me my markers for heart were up....idjits!

So instead of waiting around sucking up hospital time and services until Monday, all of a sudden I was 15 minutes from getting fixed up. They let me out the next day. My kids took me home. On the way out, as our elevator going down opened, we ran into my friends, the harmonica man and his girl, on their way in to visit...LOL! It was a fast visit, but they were glad I was getting out.

Sis spoiled me for two days, doing my chores and errands and such and then I got back with the program. I over did. I wasn't feeling as good after this proceedure as I had after the first two. With the other times I felt like I could dance (I can't much, but I felt like it) and this time I was just wore out and blue all the time.

I had commitments to fulfill though and I got them done over the next three days....then I went home and collapsed. Tueday, for Bible Study, Sis brought a cold to show and tell. I caught that and a few days later coughed my vocal cords out...no voice again. It's still gone, darn it. I needed it to sing with this week and just croaked along, instead...

Yup, had a jam after Bible Study this Tuesday. I've been feeling better, though I still tire easily if I do too much. Tired of walking half a mile being too much....oh, well.

I went to visit Jeanette last night for no apparent reason and ended up being needed to chauf to pick up kids for her. It was fun to yak and after we got the errand done we visited until after midnight. We shouldn't wait so long to get together and maybe we wouldn't need such a long visit to get caught up with each other.

So I'm still here. Just been trying to stay that way. There is a lot going on right now that I'm waiting to see what happens next on before I bring it to you to share. But I have had one whole week of family, friends, music, smiles and joy in my days without a marr. It's been wonderful to just relax and enjoy the days.

Get out there and enjoy summer! I'm headed out for some of that, myself! Later, all!

Well it's spring time in the rockies

2010-04-01T10:16:00.002-05:00

and I'm full of mountain dew......

Just thinking spring today. It's my son's birthday and it's beautiful out, like it was the year he was born.

And thinking I have paperwork to do - but then there is a salad to make for a bbq later for another friend who is having a bday today, too. But not as nice a one as my boy is having. So some of us are trying to pull together something to cheer him and his wife up. Maybe I will do paperwork tomorrow....

Things are coming together and falling apart all at the same time around here. I just get one thing figured out and something changes....grrrr. But a good grrrr....so far.

More later, right now I have to enjoy this sunshine....

Sing it loud, sing it long

2010-03-02T23:05:00.002-05:00

Sing for you and for me....

I gotta sing more. I worked up some tunes for the band and went to meet them. They are a nice bunch of guys but it didn't mesh for me. I can't hit their keys to do harmony and I can't hit some songs in the key they are recorded in so I change keys...they haven't been. I sent them some photos I took and a piece of the recording I did that night but never heard back from that email...so I guess it didn't work for them either.

Went out Saturday with my friend's to a jam over by The Big City. I got to ride along for a change, not drive and it was fun. Four of us went over together. There were already pickers going at it when we got there, about 6 of them and more waiting in the wings. I settled right in and started enjoying myself. Then my friends, Smiling Girl and her Big Buddy walked in the door...she hadn't seen me so I got to sneak up on her. That was okay until she squeeled her joy in my ear...LOL! I hadn't gotten to sing for them in a very long time and having them in the crowd made a place I'd never been feel like home. It was a great night and we were almost the last to leave. We all got to make plenty of music.

And I've been working on http://www.mibands.com/ as a site to post contacts for the bands that I know are good enough to work anyplace and my friends, besides. It's starting to look like a real website. I need to get the country band page up and see about adding a couple more bands I know to the site...

But I was sitting here with my heart full and my arms empty and went to look back at this blog...at the end of this month it will be five years of notes on my life...the last four the hardest I have have had. And it isn't getting any easier.

I am used to the mate being gone now. It still can bring me tears at unexpected times and the days that were "ours" are still hard to get through. I've tried and failed to find another man to be with...I have friends, but no one to claim me as his special partner. I'm lonely a lot, even though I try to stay busy...and losing my job in August of '08 has left me unemployed long enough that even with the federal extensions, I'm out of benefits before this month is over.

No income. I don't even know how to think about that. I can't seem to decide how to handle it. The house hasn't sold, but the mortgage company called because I sent an interest payment last month. There are still weeks of cold left and I won't be able to meet my obligation to the propane company...I can pay the bills for another while and then I don't know what happens next. Should I throw it all up and walk away or keep trying to sell while I go deeper in debt? Will FIA help?

God has blessed me with enough for all I have needed all this time. But because I can't see how he will do it next, I am becoming worried. Not a lot worried, but concerned that I don't know how I will get by and there is no one that is right here for me to work it out with like I would have once with the mate....I suck at decisive.

What will the next days bring? That's why I'm still here. The posts have become fewer, but I still want to know what happens next and I'm still loving and living. I can't seem to get worried enough to actively be concerned. I feel like things will work out for me - a job will come along or something will break my way...

So stay tuned....Valerie is still riding solo, Miss T. Crane-Neeham is still contemplating life and I am still looking for love and singing...but it might get pretty interesting in the next few weeks. I guess I will have to wait and be surprised because I can't fortell the future all the time.

And for the family and friends reading - I'm sheltered, warm and functional. I have lots of food. Until I can't get tobacco, life is good...as long as I still have coffee and tobacco, my two main addictions, it's all good. So don't freak. I'm still okay for a bit yet before I won't have any good options. And I have options. I just haven't seen the need to take them yet.

Wish me, and all the other unemployed, luck.

A winter's day

2010-02-10T15:51:00.003-05:00

...in a deep and dark December.

Okay, so it's February!

But this is what I woke up to today.....

and I couldn't find a shovel anywhere.

So I stayed in,
drinking coffee and catching up with friends online
when I heard someone coming in the back door...
This is a Michigan woman...
one you WANT to see coming after a snow storm...

My crazy sis drove 15 miles down to plow me out!
She has the big truck and I have the small one.....

and after she left this is what I have......

And when I went back on line I found
she'd left me another gift...

This little guy is way early
but he goes with my new life motto
from my neice today -

"I'm not sure what's going on, but when has that ever stopped me?"

Life in the fast lane

2010-02-06T12:52:00.002-05:00

Wednesday I sat up the PA at a local pub for a friend's bday party. We played til late, shot pool and enjoyed the evening.

I'm checking out a band next Wednesday that I might be doing backup and rythym guitar on....maybe. They do rock and country and I'm not much of a rocker - but I've been picking up a little of it. I might make it work.....

So I'm not telling any long stories here today - I have some more music to learn.

I love you all - see ya when I can.

Starry starry night,

2010-01-28T15:07:00.003-05:00

paint your pallet blue and gray....

Winter - bah and hum BUG!

I'm in hibernation mode. Eat, sleep, touch base on line, eat more.....not doing much at all. Did learn to make DVD slideshows with music and am having fun with that.

Just not wanting to share much right now as Grama always said, "if you can't say something nice..."

Am not feeling nice.

But I'll be better tomorrow....

And my birthday and the following Saturday night party were both filled with friends and music. It was a lot of fun...

I don't know why humans can't keep the joy from one good time for more than a day or two....I really had a great time and so did my friends...I got some fun but pitiful recordings and totally enjoyed myself.

And I did play at a party this weekend with the country band and had a great time. Got to be the hero for some friends with car trouble.

And I sang out two nights with the band....that was good.

It's all good. I just forgot. :)

You ain't see nothing yet

2010-01-15T17:01:00.002-05:00

has been playing a lot in my life. I hope it's right - cause I was wrong. I have NOT been back here more often. I am still busy in the "real" world. The music is drawing me out a lot lately. I played with friends last night and may have a one night a week gig there coming up...fun!

My bday was Tuesday and I'm having my own party Saturday. Hoping for a great time but no matter who shows up, Saturday is the day I will celebrate. Tonight I'm gonna do the 'bake ahead' foods and as soon as I have food in place I will start my own partying....I'm due.

Still no news on the job front. Still holding down the fort and paying the bills. Still helping others as I can and still glad for the family and friends I have in everyday that care about me.

I have several projects going on the computer I want to get after and I'm having issues with CD's not playing that I give other people.....I hate that...but I learn a little more each screw up.

Just wanted you all to know I'm still around. Will catch up later.

2009-12-07T10:09:00.002-05:00

Hello again. Wow, it's been almost a month since I posted last...very sorry. I remember when my day wasn't complete if I hadn't gotten my post up.

Summer was busy this year and winter promises to have card games and jam sessions in it, inspite of the travel difficulty that snow brings. I am almost looking forward to it. Today I started writing again and I expect to continue through the 'slow' season. I've missed it.

Still not much happening on the job situation in Michigan. I have a few friends who found work but there is no promise that it will be permanant, they are hopeful and I pray for them. I have family that had to watch their friends be laid off and left without income again...we can only pray for them, too, and help where we can.

I have been well cared for in that I have had all I need and to share, even being on unemployment for income. The bills are paid, the house is warm. I am thankful.

a little herstory.....My dad broke his leg racing motorcycles the year I started 8th grade. I would be going to the high school with 'the big kids'. We had five kids and not much income that year.

A woman from our town took me out to shop for school clothes. She taught me about "mix and match" and got me a beautiful dark green cordory skirt, vest, jacket and slacks along with two blouses, underthings and penny loafers. I felt like a million bucks in those clothes for months. I have never forgotten how what she did made me feel and I have often used it for the reason to help another young teen... I wrote her a thank you note but I never felt I had showed how much what she had done meant to me until the first time I gave a woman in the cold a coat of her own.

I had a chance last week to make a girl's birthday a little brighter and lighten her father's load. He will be having neck surgury soon, and has no income at this time. He knew what he wanted to do for her birthday. It brought me great joy to be able to help him reach his goal for her day and in turn he repaired my electric guitar, so it doesn't squeal and such anymore. And Divine Intervention brought the funds to do it all to us. I applied it where I saw it was needed, but it was His money anyway.

Yesterday a friend came over and spent the day with me. We did Christmas projects, ran to town and back and just had a good time together. ...and, knowing the girl and her father could have a great day, I smiled all day.

This week I get to bring the grandgirl home for a night. I think she and I will try bowling or something then make the christmas cookies I need to get done. I'm looking forward to it.

I am thankful that all the family seems to be doing well right now and are able to help others in need as we go. And I am thankful that my friends still stay in touch that can't get over to see me...our timing doesn't match sometimes, but I know we are still friends.

And I'm glad you stopped in to read today. I'll be back, sooner than I have been doing I think.

See you then.

that it looks like up to me

2009-11-16T12:35:00.002-05:00

I been sick...

Finally caught the flu I'd been dodging for months. Wouldn't be so bad but I fell on some steps the night the bug caught me so I have been left handed and sore all over for the last several days. I'm getting over it now but still have the head congestion. At least I got part of the use of my shoulder back.

I have been trying to get stuff done but things seem to conspire against me. Missed an appointment I had already reset twice...hate that. Can't get to the cousin's house until this afternoon and it's been nagging at my heart to get done for days. I have a small fridge to deliver to a friend and can't find a healthy back to help unload it - I sure can't do it right now....just minor delays and annoying circumstances, no major problems, but it drags at me.

I'm gonna get 'er done! I want to get things back where they belong - on track.

My unemployment being messed up put my budget out of whack but I think that is going to get fixed this week and be back where I know what to pay when again. I'm thankful. I like covering the expenses and running legal.

Some kids looked at my house and I don't think they will buy it but they will dream about it and dreams are good to have.

My friend I've been helping with paperwork has an appointment Tuesday with a worker for SSD and I have my fingers crossed and prayers going up that they will finally see he needs the help they can give him. He's really been down so long that a mole hill looks like up. We should be able to take care of those who are ill better than that.

Getting ready to hunker down and write in place of other (perhaps more fun and social) activities for the snow season. So I'll be back here more often. I'll get caught up with all of you again, too.

Thanks for dropping in.

Been layin round n playin round

2009-11-07T11:55:00.002-05:00

This old town too long - so I'm gonna whip this off and go to jam in the next town over.

I got the unemployment straightened out. I qualified for a Bridge Card/food stamps - 16.00 a month. It's a tank of gas....I can use it.

I'm good till the end of February and if the new 20 weeks counts for me then I will be good further on down the line...or I'll find work.

Am pleased to report that my grand, BigE, got a job as a temp that may go full time if they like him. I was so GLAD for him. He has been looking over a year, too.

Helped a friend get emergency help with their electric bill. Now trying to get the SS Disability filed correctly for them. Six hours on line filling out forms and probably four more to go to get it finished....but we are getting it.

So I'm stayin busy. I need to update websites this week and get the bills mailed today.

But I'm doing the forms later this afternoon so I'm headed for a jam session.

Later all.

Maybe then your blues will fade away...

2009-10-24T10:57:00.003-05:00

I'm up for the winter. Still need that one turn signal changed in the truck and an oil change, but it's ready, too. I even have two or four projects for winter around so my hands and brain stay busy. I might hang a few windblocks over open doorways and I have to wire the heating pad up on the bed, but that's a few minutes and it's done. Then it's winter.

I went to town yesterday for myself. I stopped and applied for foodstamps. I applied for a job. I got my emergency unemployment applied for and laid in a few supplies. Now it's just wait and see if I am approved for all of that.

House and truck up, paperwork done....got a card game to go to tonight at five up north...

So why am I sitting here feeling "under the weather?" I would like to hope it's just "the mopes" but I'm pretty sure I'm missing my last companion. I don't know why. We are good. We got things straightened out with no major hurts to either of us and will be jammin in the future...

But our paths have split and I know it's not going to change again. I made contact with a man way up north that was interested in meeting me from a dating site. It seems like we might have a good time together except for the miles....I haven't quit and I'm not bitter or mean feeling about anything....

But there is a joy missing today that I had not so long ago for just a moment....

I think that is what I am missing.

So if you have love in your day, enjoy it while you have it. I know I have had it. I know it's real and I know it can grow again....

I miss it.

Turn me loose, set me free

2009-10-12T09:42:00.002-05:00

somewhere in the middle of Montana...

Today I could go anywhere I want. I COULD go anywhere I want. No dogs, auto feeder for cat, enough gas money.... I had to cancel...

Today I'm going to reherse for the wedding at the other friend's house and have dinner with them. I will be making a side trip through town for errands. I won't get home until late.

Tomorrow I have friends that need to be at appointments at ten in the for crying out loud, morning and then people that need to get to the food pantry and I'm their wheels.

That gets me to Tuesday bible study - now I could blow it off but it's important to mom and she is bringing a new lady to us this week...

okay WEDNESDAY I can go anywhere I want - I think. But I told someone I'd give them a hand Thursday or I'm hosting a jam session or something...

I don't believe in tomorrow, but I seem to plan for it anyway....

I have had a rough week and I'm blowing it out here. So leave now if you don't remember me from before the death of my mate.

With each of the men I have tried to build a relationship with there has been an issue I can't seem to do anything about. My last friend had no problem with it. Then it happened.

I woke up to an empty bed where someone was supposed to be.

Now that may not seem like much of a problem. For me, it has become a panic situation. I didn't know that until now even though I had it happen before and once it threw me into full blown, climb in the shower and turn on the cold water hysterics....I didn't catch the "key" that put me there until this time.

I don't know how to explain knowing that "no one is there" feeling I get. In each case I woke and KNEW that my companion was "gone"; not where they should be.

I woke up, felt the "gone", cried, "Oh, no!" out loud. Called a name. Got up and ran to look for them in the bathroom, the kitchen.....repeated my cry. Opened a door and found them sleeping in the other room...felt relief that they were not dead (and this surprised me so much I just stood there for a moment. I did not know that I was seeing gone=dead until that moment).

I asked why they changed sleeping places.

"I couldn't sleep. You were snoring."

I closed the door and came apart. Not hysterics, but helpless sobs of despair. I dressed and left, still crying.

I can't stand waking up to that "no one is there" feeling. It's very bad.

I hate sleeping alone.

I totally hate that I am driving a companion from my bed.

I have tried strips, pills, sprays, and anything else I could find with my last companion. Nothing worked. But I have had no problem with it for months now.

To avoid that panic when I wake up, I have to go to bed alone.

I think the reason I was so messed up the last time this happened is that I think I have to go to bed alone forever....and, oh, my sad heart.

I won't risk the freak out again.

But I'm so lonely. And I am so sad.

When I have a man in my life I can love then all is well in my world. That relationship makes all the difference to me. I'm in balance with the planet. I have a place to stand that is mine to fill and I do it with all my heart.

When I am alone, with no love in my life, then the grief returns. I KNOW that man would still be beside me - he always was. Then I miss him and his love and the love I have just failed at. A double dose of sadness.

My heart still loves. I want to live with love in my days.

I don't see how it will ever happen.

I have the music, the writing, the web sites...I have a home and food and wheels. I'm very blessed. I can see it.

But I have no hope anymore of finding a partner here to be with everyday...and all night long. No touch, no holding, no hugs, no kisses....

I'm here. I'm okay and functioning.

But as soon as I can clear the calendar I am making a "fall run". I'm grabbing the computer, camera, guitar and a change of clothes and booking for nowhere for awhile. It will only be a few days but I expect it to give me some perspective again.

This feels like a death. I know it's just an adjustment to life. Changes happen. I can change. I can change. I have changed.

So to all the lonely people I have to say, I know how you feel....but I wish I didn't.

Well it's all right, ain't feeling too good myself

2009-10-11T10:17:00.005-05:00

But it's all right. I'm staying busy today. Gonna get these posts done and mow the lawn one last time then winterize the mower and trim the hedges. Then take photos to remember fall by.

***

A friend of mine seems to draw those in need to him. This is the second litter born under his porch this summer. They are beautiful kittens. The black is really a very dark tiger. He needs to find homes for them very soon. So if those of you in the area are still reading here, HELP!! We found one a home but have three to go.

***

This is the jam bunch from the Good Times at the closing party. A friend used my camera during the night and did a very nice job of taking photos for us. There is a lot of music stored in those people, from the very oldest country to rock and roll - and they are a great bunch of guys.

***

I'll be back. I need to get some stuff out of my system but I have been holding off. Thinking on it, ya know. In the mean time....I gotta go borrow some hedge trimmers. Later all.

Running through the fire

2009-10-09T15:12:00.003-05:00

It's the fourth bday without him. It has hit me hard. I have tried to love on here but have failed to connect in that permanent way with another man....

Having had love, knowing that the trust and joy is real, I have no real choice but to continue to seek it again.

But Sunday is going to be empty again this year.

If I could live backwards, I would - but I can't.

I can only know that if one love was real that all love can be real...

But this weekend I just wish.....I'm tired of failing.

He was my success...and I was his. I miss it.

With the dogs gone this building is an empty shell I inhabit for lack of a way to shed it.

I really need a hug.

They say heaven's at the end...

2009-10-01T16:46:00.002-05:00

but so far it's been hell...

Watching two people lose their business, their daily routine, their contentment with life; it was a sad night. Even knowing it may bring joy to their lives in the long run to have this change doesn't make it easy to stand beside them and find words to cheer them.

We had five players and four singers last night. With a friend's help, I hauled the little pa back over to set up and the music was great. Then, after the ones that had to work left, we stayed until the last minute with our host and hostess. I played the last game of pool with three others...

I had help loading the pa back into the truck and gave a couple people rides home. I hung out at the last place with a few that were stretching out the night just because it was the last one they would have coming back from "their" bar...we talked until dawn and then I went home.

It was a proper wake, all in all, with none of the bad things drinking can cause to mar it. Everyone was being tolerant and gentle with each other.

It was interesting to see how much a small bar in a small town affects so many lives in so many different ways. It was a point of contact for friends, a rallying point for gatherings to help each other, a place to be for those that are alone where they could be treated like family. News, benefits, music, games and just a place that got you out of the house, it was like a second home for many. Losing that one business in one small town affected so much more than the owners.

I have the chore of the day done and have an errand to run yet. I have paperwork to go through and calls to make tomorrow. I have music I want to record and practice to do on the wedding songs. I didn't need to go to the bar very often....but I'm going to miss it, too.

Turn out the lights, the party's over

2009-09-30T14:08:00.002-05:00

they say that all -- good things must end....

My friends are losing the bar. I feel really badly for them. They have been there seven years and the economy just took them out. Leaving your daily routine and changing your day's tempo is so very hard....I know.

There is a party to finish it all off tonight. I'll be there with the music for them one more time and so will the players that have been coming in to entertain with me...but it will be a sad night for so many of them. It's a place that was Cheers for them, everyone knew your name and if they didn't, they welcomed you. We will all miss it.

I'm singing at my nephew's wedding and have been rehersing with his other friend to get our songs together. We have three more weeks to get it right...we're working on it and it's sounding good. Just a matter of finding time.

The truck has new rotors, new slave cylinder in the clutch, new bolts on the anti sway bar and needs two tires to be up for winter....getting them tomorrow. A friend set me up with her mechanic and the team that showed up was the one that helped Jeanette get her house back up. It was good to see them all again. Now I have it up for winter and that is a peaceful feeling.

The leaves are turning. I'm holding on to the green, still, but it's slipping away.

My kids are all doing well and I'm glad for that. Sis and Mom and I got smart and moved bible study to earlier in the day so they don't have to dodge so many deer getting home. Small changes to the days keep coming.

Another friend called and is happy for the first time in a long time. I was glad for them.

I have one girl - daughter of a friend - that is going through a very dark time right now. She is on the prayer lists but her heart is so sore and life is throwing her an awful lot for a teen ager to deal with....and all I can do is hold her in my heart. She has cut her wrists twice in ten days. I think they will have to put her where she can be watched over and I want to see her get the help she needs. I do what I can. It seems pitiful small.

I am going to be doing the hard thing soon. My dog is having trouble even breathing through the night, can't get around good, probably her hips, and isn't able to control her body anymore. Shadow was a combination rescue/gift and I'm going to miss her a lot. But I can't watch her hurt anymore. Tomorrow or Friday she and I are going for a last walk in the woods and I will leave her there with the help of a friend.

I'm trying to keep it in perspective, she's 9 or 10 years old and that's a good time for a large dog....and she's been loved and cared for. I will need to move sometime and it's hard to find a place that will let you have dogs if it's not yours...so it's probably all for the best in the long run. But it will be another change in my days and I don't do so well with changes as I used to.

So there's the good, the bad and the beautiful day in life here. I'm okay. Winter is coming, I'll be back more often.

One is the lonliest number

2009-09-10T11:18:00.002-05:00

you will ever chose....But you don't always get to make the choice. It got made for me again last night. And when I got in the truck to drive away that is the song that was playing. Kinda blew me away.

That I was expecting it doesn't make it easier to deal with.

Reject.

That's the word that's haunting me today. I know that how another person has to chose does not make me a bad person, just not the right one for them. And it's better that it happen before ties are made in the real world that take so much work to untangle. I know it's better to sleep alone in peace and safety than to be with someone who is not happy with you.

But I can know all that and still be sad that I didn't make the cut again with someone I'm confused about why I even cared so deeply for them.

It wasn't looks, it wasn't money, it wasn't even a physical attraction - there was just a part of us that touched that isn't visible. And every time it manifested he got freaked out. We can get right in each others hearts...and heads...know the next chord, the next song, the next word...feel the joining between us like a current of electricity...

That is what I loved. The affection and protection he provided and the connection to more than a body gives.....it was so good for me.

And it was so hard for him. I can't be angry. I am only sad.

But I'm up and it's tomorrow. I'll be okay later.

Ridin' solo still.

It's a heart ache

2009-08-26T12:12:00.003-05:00

is a great song. I better look it up and learn it.

The neice in law is dealing with major stress right now. Two grandparents in the hospital. The pair should be okay but they are in their 70's and major hurt. Send prayers please. Bless the whole family but especially C2Boy, her mate, for standing right there with her.

I met a young woman I couldn't give anything but words to last week. She is so shattered and tender right now from life going sour for her and I hate not being able to help when I see a need.

There is a friend of mine who's daughter died two years ago. Deep in grief, he had to deal with his wife leaving him, remarrying and taking the house they built together. He is physically unable to work and living on the wind right now. I can't help him, either. I can only listen.

I don't know why it seems so important to me to try and lift others up. ("I don't know - Wait. - yes, I do." shout out to JC...LOL!) Yes I do. Because others carried me when I was going down. I can't pay that back with money. I can only show it to the next one who needs it.

My heart aches for those I know with no jobs, illness, losing homes, hurting those they love for no good reason and those that are standing alone.

*******

I have begun "sucking up the green". I saw the birds flocking the other day. It's time to store the leafy tree tunnels that line the rural roads and the deep cool of the shade, the fields of corn and beans, the wooded hill with it's endless shades of green - all to get me through the days of grey and white winter.

I have enough and more to share. The house is cool and peaceful. Today is good. But I wish sometimes that the world was an easier and more loving place for all of us to be.

In the summer time when the weather is hot

2009-08-14T17:41:00.002-05:00

I'm staying busy.

I'm free falling

2009-08-04T22:03:00.004-05:00

I'm not dead yet. Sorry, but summer is outside time. I'm way outside....

Can't seem to stop reaching for the love I know is out there. Think I just got my heart betrayed again. Hope I'm wrong. Looks bad for the home team.

I'm just lost without someone to love with here. If I could just dry up and be a proper old widder woman I would have a lot less to think about today. I'm not. I'm alive, well and wanting -

But I've made new friends, staying busy, and got an extension on the unemployment. It's only for 13 weeks though and it makes it time to fish or cut bait on selling the house. I don't know how I'll deal without the view out the window and knowing where to walk even in the dark that comes with a new place, but, once again, Tennessee is looking better all the time.

I just can't seem to find a partner again. And I can't quit looking. It's feeling messy this time.

So I'm sorry about the lack of posts, and I'm sorry the news is same old boring stuff. For a little flash of "normal" -

I got to visit with my Eldest Girl and her partner at the big lake on Monday. It was a family run and a bunch of us went for "beach and BBQ". It was good fun. There are some great pics coming soon of the kids, when I have time to set them up for the internet.

My bike is running great and the truck is hangin in there. I have chores in town to do in the morning and then some photos to take for a friend to post on line for sale. Thursday I'm singing and I think I'll have two new songs to break out and Saturday I'm doing blues at a big party in the country, just a half hour set, but it should be fun.

Life is not all bad and it hasn't been lonely, just confusing. Not always sure which is worse. Just gotta ride this one out and see what happens next but the words, "we need to talk" are always bad to hear and worse to have backed up in your throat....

Gonna keep caring and helping where I can and moving on to find love again, til it happens. When I can, I'll be posting, still. Catch me more often on facebook - Misst Tcraneneeham eham

Sing, sing a song

2009-07-16T10:59:00.003-05:00

Sing it loud, sing it long! Okay. I did. I showed up to check equipment and double check times with the bar yesterday and ended up going accoustic with two other players until late in the night. But we had too much fun. I'm hoping to get enough voice back to sing tonight. My lead player can't make it and he fill some of the vocals for me. Need Singers to show up tonight.

Someone told me I hadn't mentioned that Easy, who went from partner to renter last winter, finally got to move back to Arkasas. He headed out about three weeks ago. His sister's man got him a job working on a river boat, was what he said. It's all good.

Because I don't know what happens next with the house, I hesitate to rent out the upstairs right now. I'm kinda waiting to see what is going to happen.

I've got a new song cooking up and I think I got another piece of it last night. I have to get some time to sit down and work on that. I have been dusting off some of the old ones, too. People are liking them and so I'm relearning my own music. It's been interesting.

I've got a new band to do some work for. Fatt Lapp Blues Band was in the West MI Blues Society finals last year at the fair. One of the guys is partner to my friend Jeanette's neice - a thin connection, but I like the girl. They need some help getting bookings. I think they are an excellent group and they have 4 cd's of original material. I have a website that I picked up on a whim that I guess I will also dust off and load up. So now I'm a promoting/booking agent...LOL. When I get the site up I'll post it here.

*******
It's Friday night. Had to shut down Thursday, battery ran out. We had a really good crowd, for this place and they stayed until they HAD to leave. It was a great time! Can use more players, but the four we had and the four singers really did a good job of entertaining the crowd. I stayed and played until midnight, then put the toys away and shot some pool. It was good fun.

Today has been lay around the shanty day. Tomorrow is Saturday so until Monday I can just take it easy. I have have some more web work and some ebay research to do....staying busy.

The #1Son called. He's alive and well and moving on down the roads. The grand girl is in dance classes this week. Poor #1DIL is beat from running her around, but the little one really liked it. If I can get the video's posted, I'll share later.

So I'm alive and well and got one ride in this week. Gotta go!

Can't you see?

2009-07-13T16:07:00.003-05:00

Well, sometimes we can't. But I sang that song like I rock and rolled my whole life the other night. I was doing kareoke and it worked.

See, my voice is so low I can't hit the keys of the original artists very often...it means I just quit doing kareoke; If I don't have the guitar, I don't sing.

But I got talked into trying again and found three in a row that I didn't need the key changed on. It was like magic.

I didn't realize it's been so long since I updated here. Sometimes I don't see time flying by me. I've been building two websites, have a band that asked for help getting bookings and am playing as host to an open mic at a local bar on it's last legs financially. AND trying to have some fun. And relearning how to make raised donuts.

I'm in boogie mode and see no sign of it letting up for awhile. So if you want to see me, come on out to Pewamo -

you're afraid it's all been wasted time

2009-06-25T23:41:00.002-05:00

A friend got angry with me today. I got angry today at someone else. Two days ago I was worried about another friend. There was nothing wrong. It was how I saw it that upset me.

I keep coming back to how my thoughts shape my days. Lately it seems my thoughts have been incorrect. So my days are off, too. Stop thinking?

Two days of sitting awake and concerned for one who did NOT have a problem. Trying to do a favor for a friend that only made them angry at me in the long run. Running home to get out of the heat and finding the dryer AND the air running tripped my triggers. I was tired from the heat and it all broke loose.

I stated my opinion of one who runs the dryer when it's 93 degrees outside and then leaves the air on, went to my room, slammed the door and went to bed.

Where all this confused and convoluted information is reaching to is to how I (we) think ourselves into situations. How our thoughts shape our emotions. How the only thing wrong with a day may be how we see it.

I thought someone I knew was in big trouble. I had a tangible reason to think so. BUT - the tangible didn't go with that person. And the same item belonging to another person had a totally different interpretation. No worries...or, not many.

But to try and figure out a way to approach what I saw was the problem with the first person, I was up all night pondering.

Point? I could have gone to bed, nothing would have changed but I would have been fresh the next day to consider things more clearly. But I couldn't sleep because I cared so much I had to figure out something to try to help them before my mind would let me rest.

The friend who was angry at me sees things a different way than I do. I understand why he feels he has a reason to be upset. I see he is upset. It made me cry that he was upset with me. There is no point in discussing it. He's going to see it his way and anything I say to explain another way to see it will be rejected. So I cried. I'm over the hurt and I'm not angry at him. I'm just sorry I can't show him he didn't need to be angry. But that's done and I won't lose any sleep over it.

The one I got angry at, Easy, can't help what he did. He just doesn't think like other people. He's going to be going back to Arkansas next week. It's hot there. It's where he's from. So what if the air is on and dryer running? For him, it's normal. For me, too much heat hits me like a rock. He didn't think about that. It's how he is. I should have skipped losing my temper and just taken a cold shower.

Shoulda coulda and the other words that go in there, are all for looking behind you. How do we learn to get a grip on our minds and see what IS instead of racing through a line of assumtions, concepts and guesses to crash into faulty conclusions?

It's getting to where the less I know, the happier I am because I don't know anything to upset me or hurt me.

Just for a minute today I had a "how come I bust my butt trying to encourage and help others and all I get is an over heated house on the hottest day of the year and everyone mad at me" pitty party. And it did only last a minute.

Because when I asked myself that I knew - Every one of those situations I got into because I cared about someone. As long as I can't change that I care about others I'm going to sit up nights thinking of ways to help and deal with others who don't always relate well to the world....

If showing I care is what I have to give up to have a good day, then I guess I'm doomed.

Yup, some of the thoughts were wrong - but they could have been right. I was ready with some solid ideas to help. In the course of my research I learned something that another needed to know and passed it on.

Easy probably has hurt feelings I will have to apologize to tomorrow, but I will. And he will understand I was too hot before I got home - it was 93 out today. But he had a place to stay until he made it though his court case on his back wages because I cared. I think he will forgive me.

I don't know how to shape my thoughts to be always right, or always positive and I don't always know when they should be shared or if I should be quiet. I can't always keep my temper or be calm and peace filled, no matter how many mantras I say.

But I always care. I can live with that.

Make happy your soul with that old STEEL GUITAR RAG

2009-06-16T16:47:00.005-05:00

Uncle Don was 16 or 17 and hanging out with my Dad making music when I first remember him. It was a family joke that it didn't matter what time Mom made dinner, he'd be at the door.
He had dark brown hair and laughing eyes and large (to me) hands with long fingers. He laughed easily and often.

He and Dad used to just sit and jam at each other with their guitars for what seemed like hours back then. The music would get faster and the licks longer and the sneers and smiles bigger.... I'd just watch them and listen.

Uncle Don would furrow up his brow and squinch down his eyes and stick his tongue out the corner of his mouth when he was really working it. Then he'd glance up at Dad and flash the biggest smile and just dare him to top that lick! Dad would hang his mouth open, like he had to get more wind, and cut one right back at him!

They'd knock back a few beers most nights. Sometimes, a few too many....I remember we were watching the olympic gymnists one night when they came in. The man on TV flipped himself upright from laying flat on the floor...he just put his hands behind his shoulders on each side of his head, brought his feet up, dropped his feet and pushed with his hands at the same time and - ta da! - He was standing up again.

Dad and Uncle Don decided they could do that! We sat there on the couch and watched those two guys lay down on the floor and start doing what the guy on TV did.

Well, almost.

They flopped all over. They had boots on and the noise was horrendous when their feet hit the floor. They would get allllll most up and fall back and crack their heads on the floor. They would almost make it and windmill their arms but over they'd go the wrong way. They ended up on their butts and landed flat on their backs.

Finally, trying to make us think they were just doing it to make us laugh, they really did flop around like fish. We all were screaming with laughter. They never did get all the way up.

I went to see Uncle Don and Aunt Sharon on and off over the years. I got to watch him play on stage at the Driftway one night. Never could do that as a kid. Dad didn't take us to the bars when he played.

I arranged for him and Dad to be at my house in Belding once, as a surprise for them both. They didn't talk much but the smiles were the same. So were the 'tudes. The strings on my guitar and Dad's stayed warm for three days.

When I wanted to buy a house we went to Uncle Don once we found one. He got us a good deal and I still live there.

Now Uncle Don is jamming with Dad and the rest of the amazing band they must have up there. I can almost hear the music.

My heart is torn for the family. I have lost my father, step father, and husband in the last several years....I know how hard this will be for them.

As an aside: I was at jam session Saturday afternoon. One of the guys started playing steel guitar rag. I picked up on it first and then the rest of them got with it. When we got done I told him it was one Dad almost always played. Dad and Don played it the day they were at my house, doing what I call challenge style, taking turns on the leads....as far as I know that's the last time they played together.

I found out later that Saturday afternoon is when Don passed on...and I was playing Steel Guitar Rag with friends....now that's timing.

If you are local and need the info for the services contact me through the email.

One for the road

2009-06-03T20:07:00.000-05:00

No, sir, I don't mean maybe...

2009-06-02T11:23:00.003-05:00

The post below is the babies from the rookery, or, more properly the heronry and the mini them grands. While the baby birds are growing faster, the humans are funnier.

I have to wait a week or so before going back to see the herons but I got some info online about them and now I know they won't probably fly for a week or two yet. But they taking turns practicing in the nest. This was a very windy day and they did not lift or let go their support, but they exersised their wings nicely for me.

Next week I'm gonna be watching the dog for the #1DIL, son and family so they can all be some place besides the home stead for a few days. The #1DIL's mom is taking her and the kids on a mini vacation. I heart the woman!

The memorial for my first husband went well Saturday. I met again some I had know only as children, now adults getting by the best they can in life. It was a small gathering but reestablished the connections for a family that was scattered. It was good.

Gotta scoot. Decided another one of my sites is over due for updating....

Yes Sir, that's my Baby!

2009-06-02T11:09:00.000-05:00

You'll never know just how much

2009-05-25T15:08:00.013-05:00

I miss you....

Sorry I haven't been around much...I've been rebuilding my website for the booklet I wrote and it got out of hand...BUT, it's about done. If you haven't stopped by there yet, please do, and let me know what you think. Join me on the new forum there, too, if you are so moved.

The new site is at: http://4herway.com/4letterword/

Dead is Just a Four Letter Word

"Profound message of unconditional love available to all. Hope for those who have lost a loved one; Comfort for those fearful of death. Anyone seeking to know what may happen after we die, even by suicide, should read this book."

Now you know where I have been spending my time. Between the blogs and the website I have stayed busy. I still managed to visit the DIL and go to a friend's party this weekend. I have put more miles on the bike, too. But it's a little chilly for riding today so I'm off to build a fire, if the wind will drop....and maybe burn some dogs and golden some marshmallows...

Oh, and I got some new pics at the rookery, too.... this one is toooooo far away but I did what I could....looks like these are the oldest ones there.

And these looked younger, just little peeps. I had a good time but I get a yen for real telephoto.

So, catch me around...back to summer!

Me Mither sang a song to me

2009-05-10T19:37:00.002-05:00

in tones so soft and LLLOOoooooooowwww..

Well, sort of. Singing is just something we always did. And today, leaving after her Mday party, my mom was singing "Bye, Bye, Blackbird" with Sis and I taking lines as she left them. It made me smile. We won't ever be on Lawrence Welk, but we entertain ourselves. Long trips were made shorter with song.

It made my day to see we had made hers good enough that she left singing...

Sis and I decided to continue our newer tradition of going to church with mom on Mday. We got the foster bro set mom up to go to the right church. Last year I went to go to church with her for mother's day and she had switched on me about two weeks before. Well, hmmmm.....

Then we planned a dinner. Then we invited the foster bros and sisters, then our kids....well, you can see where this went. From a quiet party of three moms we got all the way to 14 if you include the mini kids. (and how could you leave them out?)

We went potluck and it was a lucky pot or two that showed up here. We had way too much food. We had live piano music. We had dancers. We had singers. We even had a comedian or three...

I love my family.

and my #1 DIL made my day with her families gift to me of peace roses and candy....I heart her. I only hope she had fun with us. I know her mate was out and may not have been able to gift her right. The little ones are too young yet and I didn't think of it in time, darn me.

The dishes are done, the tables wiped, the food stored away, the coffee finished and I am one whipped pup. So were the sis and Kma, the other sis. But we got 'er done!

The Mom, grama, great grama, is in her 70's and I was concentrating on showing her we loved her. That she left singing makes it all worth it.

*****

I wish my daughter a happy birthday from far away in miles but near in heart...I know she is cleaning up after a party, too. I hope it was as good as ours.

Happy Bday, Eldest Girl! I love you. Party on!

Photographs and Memories

2009-05-08T10:02:00.003-05:00

Coming Home. My Favorite - it looks like it should be a painting.

Flying Guard

Violets - saw these on the way in. Did get a lot of fine detail with the camera.

I'll fly away

2009-05-07T10:59:00.006-05:00

I went to #1son's with comfort food for them. It seemed so 'not enough'.

But the grand girl and I did this..her first ride. It was just around the yard, but we were smiling when we parked again.

Yes, no helmets. I didn't have one for her (yet) so I went bare, too.

But we had our leathers on!

and, while blogger is working right, a photo for Anvil -

Will you still love me tomorrow?

2009-05-05T21:59:00.005-05:00

My first husband has passed on ahead of his children. My son let me know. He would have gotten yet another call while he was out on the road, telling him he had lost his father. I feel so badly for him having to always be away from home and family when this happened.

A spider tumor ended this man's life. It was very fast from diagnosis to his ending. It left my #1son with a responsibility he didn't really want and decisions children should not have to make. It left Eldest Girl with the same..things their father could have taken care of before he was ill were left undone and his children had to deal with the aftermath.

As our divorce was two or three wives ago, I had no way to help with the final details. I have to watch them work through it alone/together. It has been a strain on all of us. I don't know how to help them but I keep trying to tell them they are doing an amazing job of honoring their father by tying up the remains of his life for him. They have.

The family I started with that man ended up with the mate putting the final "Dad" touches on it. But somehow I want to express to my children (all of them, including steps and the one in MA) that you never go into a relationship thinking, "This is gonna blow up in my heart". You join in love.

Even though that first marriage became a nightmare of emotional and financial stress before it ended, we were young and in love when we started out. My children were born of that love. We all loved each other at one time. I was young enough to believe in forever when I said my first vows. That kept us trying to be together well past the point that I, perhaps, should have quit on the situation and moved on. But I believed "til death us do part" meant something when I said it....I tried to make it so. I failed. It takes two and he needed something he couldn't get from me. It ended messily.

The man I loved next fathered my youngest girl. He was a comfort to me after the disaster of my first marriage but we also crashed and burned. He moved out of state and away from his home state as well. He passed on from cancer in '98, I think. He was also far from his family and loved ones...and his daughter. She had to deal with losing her father long distance, too.

There is more to this, of course, but it's not needed here. But how to grieve someone that has not been a part of your life for years - how to have any meaningful conclusion? With the distance and a cremation there is no standard ritual of passing and I think it feels like leaving something important undone...But I don't know if it is really needed by the kids, or if they'd rather let it go....

I'm good, either way. I have learned to grieve alone. I was surprised I could grieve for this man. It did blow up in our hearts and it was nasty.

But when I first saw him I knew I would marry him. When I met him again, three years later, I did. We sat in the Arb listening to live accoustic music by starlight. We walked hand in hand by the lake. We watched the babies grow and felt their first kicks. We taught them funny faces and words and we laughed. He read me scary stories before bed when I was pregnant and couldn't sleep. And I was young and pretty and he was young and handsome and the children were beautiful. He was smart and I was hard working. But it changed.

The man that I loved and married in my youth is gone. He was gone, for me, before the marriage was over. But for them he was still there. Now he is not.

I grieve for the family that almost was, for yet another who knew me in my youth, the loss of faith in forever and the hurts to my children's trusting hearts.

I am glad we had the mate in our lives to heal so much of what was hurt between us. He and his girls, who truely are like my own, gave us back a sense of family that we had lost. We will work through this because of his patch job of love for us all.

So I mourn the first man I married, for what could have been. I miss the second man for what almost was, and I so miss my last man because of what finally was forever, at least his forever.

I still find no way to comfort the children but to say I love them and I'm proud of them, they have amazed me with how well they are handling this. They are doing as well as real adults! (uh - mom lag - they ARE adults, but I have seen it, now.)

I am down three partners, one dad, one brother and won't count the grandfather gen...they are all gone. May they all rest in peace, but I miss the men I had in my life.

****** updates*****

The friend that was lost is found, not well, but located. He's very off the wagon just now and I'm hoping someone can find a way to help him. I can't. He hasn't returned my call. But I am glad he is okay. I had feared worse.

The friend getting back with his girl sounded good by email today, too. That's 2 out of two!

I spent Monday getting the bike legal and the battery changed out, the tires checked, some ProGuard in the tank and then going to #1son's for a #1DIL wonderful feed. I was taking a dinner over to them but it got a little late as they went to the zoo and I was snagged on tires. Stupid mag wheels don't let you access the air valve well on the back tire...(I got it).

After talking to them and giving the grand girl a ride on the bike I rode home in the light chill of the evening and never saw a deer.

Today I slept til the dogs got me up, drank coffee, waited for a woman to pick up a cable she needed, then loaded me on the bike and went for a ride. I stopped by the rook for a few more photos but the great blues were not cooperating as nicely as they did last time. Then I went on north a way I guess I haven't been since the year the mate died because I was going to stop at a little place to eat and found out it burned down two years ago....

The day was balmy, the sky touched with decorative, puffy clouds and the road full of pot holes. The bike ran smoother with every mile and starts with one touch of the button, now that it has a new battery. I smiled a lot. I rode with random strangers on bikes that caught up with me for a few miles. It was almost like having someone to ride with again. I found another place to get something to eat. I read a book while I ate. I rode home and took a nap. I got up in time to make dinner for bible study.
I just gave me one day with no chores and no expectations, just to ride around and be alive in. It was very good. I'm still here, still alive and still caring. That's good enough for now.

The bike is tucked into the garage. The dishes are washed and put away. The dogs are fed and asleep. The house is quiet. It used to be my favorite part of the day. The quiet time; time to curl up on the couch and catch some snuggles and some tube before bed. Now it's when I check the email one last time, shut down the machine, turn off the lights and go to bed alone.

But I have gone to bed in love in my life. I have had love in my days. I know I have loved. I know I will keep loving. I hope to have love in my days again.

Don't get around much, anymore

2009-05-01T09:15:00.002-05:00

The friend with the sore heart called yesterday. I'm glad to say he seems to be doing better and it looks like he will be getting back together with the woman he loves. It was nice to have some positive news and I was glad to hear him sounding more upbeat.

The friend that was missing is still missing as far as I know...I've had no word from that quarter. It bothers me but there isn't anything I can do for them. So I keep prayers going up and wait.

The #1son got a little time home and will be back again Sunday. His father is still failing and refusing food. They don't know how much longer it will be before he passes but they seem sure it will be soon. #1DIL has been doing double duty with the grand boy teething and the husband hurting and the grand girl twinkling all over everything...I heart that DIL!

C2girl and family will be down with the bike this weekend. I'm antsy to get it. I need to get this lawn work done so I can ride guilt free next week.....It's been raining too much to mow, though so I didn't really put it off so much as I just couldn't do it.

Easy is looking into other jobs and I'm hoping he finds what he wants soon. He's still working but due to repairs to the electrical on the building, was off this week. It's hard for him to sit around so he spent his time checking out other possibilities.

I've been working on a laptop and trying to get it running good enough to get it online. Then I can pass it on to someone who needs one. The last desk top I did I gave to Easy. He is only using it for entertainment but it's so old that that's it's best thing.

I get all lost in the problem solving of a rebuild and forget the stresses in my life. It's good for me. Like a hobby that is also useful. I need that; to feel that being here lightens someone else's load. I'm waiting to see if I can find the right disks to install the drivers the laptop needs before I tear it all the way down. Right now I'm just stripping files off to create some space on the hard drive.

If we can't even keep a family peaceful and loving what hope is there for the world? Why do people continue to hurt each other for no good reason? Is it just to be creating turmoil or show their power to hurt? When you know how much easier life is when you are kind and caring to each other, why be anyway else? Why do we feel the need as a society to have everyone be alike? Where is the joy in our diversity that brings so much innovation to our lives? And what happened to this post?

Sorry, I think I let me out of the box a little there. Daily blah blah is so much less painful to write than the truth of what is in my head and heart, like I used to write here. I want to stay in touch with all of you so I post something, however bland, just to let you know I am here.

I was drawn back to a man who was high in my heart once. He reached out to me and I replied - willingly and gladly. He flashes through my life like a comet with a fiery tail lighting the sky. I lift my heart to his light and he's gone. I see I have misplaced my care again, in one who does not have a care for my feelings and needs.

I'll do it again, and probably again, because that's what I do. I care when one I know has a need and I try to meet it if I can.

But when I repeatedly stand with empty arms and a full heart, alone again, I hang my head and wonder at the blindness of those who say they care for others.

Yes, I want a man in my life again to love, but right now I would settle for a good hug all my own. One I don't have to feel belongs to another woman, a hug just for me, just the way I am because someone saw that I needed it and cared enough to give it.

Easy complained to me once, that I never asked for help. I just did things and he would have given me a hand if he knew. I told him I was used to doing things alone now. But as I thought about it I knew that really it is that I never had to ask.

I was blessed with one who saw my needs and, because he loved me, he filled them. I don't know how to ask anymore because I believe that, if you care, you offer. If you don't care, I can do it myself easier. So I bring the groceries in alone, mow alone, rake alone, build the fire alone.

Having managed to blow through three men now, I'm not asking anymore.I'm waiting for one who fills a need without my asking. One who cares.

Okay, I'm crawling back in my hole now. And real world kids and such, I'm okay. Just lonelier than I have been in a long time today. It will pass. I'll see you all later.

I am gonna be riding soon!!! Happy thought!

I can't get NO

2009-04-28T21:01:00.002-05:00

no satisfaction!

Well, I think I've used that song before...LOL.. but this time it's because I am not omnipotent...I don't know everything everywhere and I WANT to KNOW.

No word on the missing friend...but that may be the good news. If he was down, he'd be found and the phone would ring.

The one with the sore heart reaching out is quiet today, too. I shortened up yesterday to take a call from him. He was doing better. That is good news. Couldn't write and talk at the same time (go figure) so had to shut you guys off. Sorry.

The bike is supposed to be down by Sunday. That is good news. Have to get plates and ins. before I can ride it. Bad news, have to wait for Monday. Sighing heavy.... BUT will have a bike!!

I have been hanging around craigslist forums. I hit several of them but mostly dying or, better known as death and dying. D&D. There are some amazingly astute and compasionate people there trying to help each other through so much.

Then there are the trouble makers. People who just want to shock and repel you to prove they are not lovable. I'm chosing to ignore them if they aren't too rude about it. I flag the post if they are hurtful to others in my opinion.

Over on LTR, long term relationships, I found more and some of the same people trying to help each other work through learning to get along with a partner. Good people there, too.

There is more available. It's a place to make contact with other who can't sleep. I have been very concerned for several friends this week and it made for some long nights. The forums helped. Others are having so much more serious trouble than I am, it puts mine in perspective.

No Worries! It's all good.

But I'd feel better if I knew all was well with those I care about. So I'm still waiting to hear. Will keep you posted.

Thanks for listening!

where have all the young men gone

2009-04-27T13:40:00.002-05:00

long time passin'.

I'm dealing with one friend reported missing and seriously fallen off the wagon. I have another friend toughing life out alone, even though others would help by being there.

I should have been on my way back from a north city with my bike in the back of the truck but am waiting for weekend delivery so C2girl's mate can finish the assembly. I hates waiting. But it will be better, warmer and sunnier so I'm (grrrrrr!) waiting.

I'm worried about several friends today. The two above I have known a few years and both are, what I think of and only in my opinion, very sensitive men. They know what hurt is and what a heart is and recently their hearts have been hurt.

more later

Stay awake, don't rest your head

2009-04-24T07:54:00.003-05:00

is from Mary Poppins. I got reacquainted with it last night. I went over to visit the grands and #1DIL. #1son is dealing with his father's sudden ill health in a far away state. Our hearts are sore for him so we comforted each other with simple joys and distractions.

I took over some more suet. The squirrels stole the last one, feeder sack and all! I took the wire one this time and hung it from the bottom of the other feeder. They will probably figure it out but it might take longer this time. We all went out to fill the feeder and load the suet cage. It was not just fun then, but when we went to look out the window there was already a sparrow on the feeder. The titmouse came next and then the chickadee landed on the other side. THAT was fun! The grand and I watched awhile and #1DIL made us a healthy supper that was yummy.

We put the movie in during dinner because of time issues. It was getting late. The grandboy was with us most of the time but faded out just after dinner. He woke up once but pretty much just faded back to sleep.

My #1DIL is so wishing to be with her mate right now. It's not only not practical but it's not possible right now. I know they need some major together time. My son's father is dying. He went to do what was needed for his father with his uncle this week. He gets back today.

WARNING: Sudden right turn here...hang on.

My first husband has a cancerous tumor in his brain. We only found out about three weeks ago. His roommate got him to the hospital when he couldn't talk any sense. The tumor is taking his words and memories. "He" is not all the way gone, but going quickly. His "self" is only partly there. He didn't know his son or his brother and their hearts hurt from it.

Last week he started refusing to eat. The doctors think he will die in a week if he doesn't eat. Because he is not fully functional, the decision to force feed or let him continue to avoid food had to be made by my son, daughter and their uncle. They gathered opinions but, in the end, the final, official decision was their very sad and heavy responsibility. Why?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!!

NO LIVING WILL. We think we know how the man would choose but we haven't had regular contact with him for years....And so my children have to wonder if they did the right thing for this father the rest of their lives; To decide to let their father die.

No money, no insurance, no will, no preparation. ARE YOU LISTENING?

My beloved son had to decide to let his father die and my also beloved Eldest Girl, will be paying for his cremation.

Neither of them have had much contact with their father. He did some very bad things in their lives that left them with no love for him in their hearts. But even then, he's your dad. Even when he's a loser that hurts people, he's your daddy. And the last thing they get to do for their daddy is let him die and dispose of the remains....

And I can't do a thing for them. Not one thing. My poor kids! I love them so much. I've hurt their hearts in the past, too. But I am so grateful that we have managed to paste back together a relationship, however seamed, stitched and glued it is.

I divorced this man years ago. I can't even stand in for them in this situation because I have no legal reason to do so. I forgave him in the last two years, for being what he was in my life. That amazed me. I hated him so deeply for so long for destroying our hearts I didn't think I could ever find a good reason for him to be in my life.

But I have the man I thought he was in his son. And I have a mind as sharp as his in both my children, without the cruel and selfish spirit that drove me away from him. We formed two people who are leaving the planet a little better for having been here. They are good hearts, my two. That really does let me forgive him for the rest. They have graced my life with love.

My dad did not get his wishes honored. His second wife had the power to keep him here and let them do a lot of crap he would have hated. We girls, that knew he didn't want life support like they had to put him on, but couldn't change it. He had no health care directive, no will.

While I can't change how my dad died and I can't help my kids now - let me help your kids.

Please. Do not force your children to make a decision that can scar their hearts forever.

YOU DO IT.

You don't want to think about it all the time - none of us like to think about dying. But I am asking you to think about it today. Don't make them do it for you later.

Give your family the gift of knowing the decisions are made and plans in place for any event in your life. Take the time you have now, while you function properly, and get it done. Please. (repeat please a hundred times. I know the hurt you are saving your family - give them this gift.)

I did the research. I have the forms for Michigan and most of them will work for any place. I actually have one on file in my med records. I'm updating them and adding a live video today.

DECIDE - how far are you willing to heal to stay here? How handicapped are you willing to be if you are hurt? What treatments will you accept? What are you allergic to? What works for pain meds? What about coma? How long will you veg out to see if you come back?

Get it on paper. But, even better, make a life video stating your wishes. They won't have to decided to let you die or try to save you. YOU decided.

Someone who cares will have to stand by and watch your family, in tears and heartbreak, make the decisions that affect your life and theirs - They won't be able to help them. Even though they know how much it is hurting your family they can't do a thing legally.

NOT. one. thing.

But you can.

For the sad hearts of my children watching a literate, intelligent man become a dying husk, I'm asking you, please - fill out an advanced medical directive. File it with your doctor, in your medical records and at home. Let the family know what it says.

Please make out a will, even if all it says is you leave it all to your mate to do with what they please.

Please, let them know you want to try your hardest to stay and heal or you want to move on to the next level.

But what ever you decide to do - DO SOMETHING TODAY.

Mine slipped on the floor and fell and died.

Mopped your floors today? Taking a shower? Going out in the car? Did you make it down the steps alright?

Please people, this is important. I don't care if you scribble it on a piece of construction paper with a green crayon - get your decisions made and in writing.

The heart you save may be your child's.

*********

Rant over. Here are some links to help you out.

To designate someone to make decisions for you get this durable power of attorney for health care: http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/pdfs/dpoa_hc.pdf

This is a wonderfully helpful site. Download Your State's Advance Directive: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

Get a blank will form here: http://4herway.com/4her/blankwilltomodify.html

It's in web page form but you can copy and paste it to a doc file and change what you need to to make it work for you.

That's all I can do for your kids today.

Will you PLEASE do your part for their hearts?

I dreamed that love would never die

2009-04-24T06:39:00.000-05:00

I needed to give this plea it's own post, so it's not your brain failing you (yet) I just want it where I can link to it without the family info....

We KNOW everything dies in it's time. I'm putting pig on the bbq tonight along with some potatoes that will never grow offspring. Every thing dies.

You will die. (you won't be dead, but that's another topic)

If we plan a new outfit for a wedding and know we need a new pair of black shoes for a funeral, how is it we don't seem to be able to KNOW we need a funeral?

We know we're going to need new tires on the truck. We save up for them. We know we are going to need someone to change the oil for us, too. We find a shop and make an appointment.

We don't know how we will leave this body behind. But we know it can be a rough trip out of here. Why can't we cover the details we know are going to come up the same way we plan ahead for a vacation? Stop the mail, turn off the water heater and turn down the furnace - that's easy. Why is writing a will and having an advance health care directive in place so hard?

My first husband has a cancerous tumor in his brain. We only found out about three weeks ago. His roommate got him to the hospital when he couldn't talk any sense. The tumor is taking his words and memories. "He" is not all the way gone, but going quickly. His "self" is only partly there. He didn't know his son or his brother and their hearts hurt from it.

Last week he started refusing to eat. The doctors think he will die in a week if he doesn't eat. Because he is not fully functional, the decision to force feed or let him continue to avoid food had to be made by my son, daughter and their uncle. They gathered opinions but, in the end, the final, official decision was their very sad and heavy responsibility. Why?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE!! NO LIVING WILL. (aka advance care directive)

We think we know how the man would choose but we haven't had regular contact with him for years....And so my children have to wonder if they did the right thing for this father the rest of their lives; they had to let their father die.

He had no money, no insurance, no will, no preparation.

ARE YOU LISTENING?

My beloved son and my beloved Eldest Girl had to decide to let their father die.

Neither of them have had much contact with their father. He did some very bad things in their lives that left them with little love for him in their hearts. But even then, he's your dad. Even when he's a loser that hurts people, he was your daddy. And the last thing they get to do for their daddy is let him die and dispose of the remains....

And I can't do a thing for them. Not one thing. My poor kids!

I divorced this man years ago. I can't even stand in for them in this situation because I have no legal reason to do so.

My dad did not get his wishes honored. He gave me an order - to shoot him before I put him in a nursing home. He didn't want machines keeping him alive, ever. His second wife had the power to keep him here and let them do a lot of crap he would have hated. We girls, knew he didn't want life support, but couldn't change it.

He had no health care directive, no will. We had to make the decision to unplug our dad.

While I can't change how my dad died and I can't help my kids now - let me help your kids. Please. Do not force your children to make a decision that can scar their hearts forever.

YOU DO IT.

You don't want to think about it all the time - none of us like to think about dying. But I am asking you to think about it today. Don't make them do it for you later. Give your family the gift of knowing the decisions are made and plans in place for any event in your life. Take the time you have now, while you function properly, and get it done.

Please. (repeat please a hundred times. I know the hurt you are saving your family - give them this gift.)

I have a will and a health directive. I actually have one on file in my med records. I'm updating them and adding a live video today. My kids won't have to do this again. Not like that!

Today I did the research to find the forms again. For your kids, for your mate.

I used 4 hours of my time to try to help them. You can "pay" me the four hours (25.00 per for web research) by spending that much of YOUR time FILLING THEM OUT!

I have the forms posted below.

DECIDE - how far are you willing to heal to stay here? How handicapped are you willing to be if you are hurt? What treatments will you accept? What are you allergic to? What works for pain meds? What about coma? How long will you veg out to see if you come back? Get it on paper. But, even better, make a life video stating your wishes.

They won't have to decided to let you die or try to save you. YOU decided.

If you don't, someone who cares will have to stand by and watch your family, in tears and heartbreaking pain, make the decisions that affect your life and theirs - They won't be able to help them. Even though they know how much it is hurting your family they can't do a thing legally. NOT. one. thing.

But you can.

For the sad hearts of my children watching a literate, intelligent man become a dying husk, I'm asking you, please - fill out an advanced medical directive. File it with your doctor, in your medical records and at home. Let the family know what it says.

Please make out a will, even if all it says is you leave it all to your mate to do with what they want with it all.

Please, let them know you want to try your hardest to stay and heal or you want to move easily on to the next level.

But what ever you decide - DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT TODAY.

Mine beloved mate slipped on the floor, fell and died.

Mopped your floors today? Taking a shower? Going out in the car? Did you make it down the steps alright?

Live is fragil. Death is final.

Please people, this is important. I don't care if you scribble it on a piece of construction paper with a green crayon - get your decisions made and in writing.

The heart you save may be your child's.

*********
Rant over. I hurt today and, like most things in pain, I lash out.

Here are some links.

To designate someone to make decisions for you get this durable power of attorney for health care: http://www.michbar.org/elderlaw/pdfs/dpoa_hc.pdf

This is a wonderfully helpful site. Download Your State's Advance Medical Directive: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

Get a blank will form here: http://4herway.com/4her/blankwilltomodify.html

It's in web page form but you can copy and paste it to a doc file and change what you need to to make it work for you.

That's all I can do for your kids today.

Will you PLEASE do your part for their hearts?

I Dreamed a Dream

2009-04-22T03:00:00.002-05:00

I like to know things. Now I know that Les Misérables is a musical composed in 1980 by the French composer, Claude-Michel Schönberg with words by Alain Boublil.

Alain must have known a sore heart at one time, to write so touchingly. And the music to this score is challenging for any singer.

But did you HEAR what she sang? I had to look up the lyrics to the song Susan Boyle sang on that now historic day.

I Dreamed a Dream

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time
when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream
in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed
the dream I dreamed.

I know now why I cry when I hear her sing it. I dreamed a dream, too. May she find yet another dream to come true for her. She touched my heart.

Meet me out tonight, on the open road

2009-04-21T12:35:00.003-05:00

Gonna have to update the avatar! Getting another motorcycle. It's still a do-over, but my neice and nephew are making it very affordable for me so I can't turn down my old silverwing! Getting my hair in the wind very soon.

Went to a bday party over at C2son's and had a great time. He has a dog you have to see to believe. It's a harlequin great dane with one eye half blue...wild.

All the little neices and nephews were there, too. When I found out the NIL had a bigger bike now I asked if I could deal on the old one I sold him quite awhile ago. They consulted and made me a deal I can't refuse. Now I have to have a road trip to the almost U.P. to pick up the bike and all it's assorted parts.

Can't hardly wait but the rain is no good for loading and my tie downs are history, need a new set and an extra back for loading. Waiting to see who ends up riding shot gun with me for this event.

But it made me smile and almost dance to think I will be riding again!

Easy is all the way to upstairs and "just the renter" now. That's working out fine. He has a job and is gone days. He's been visiting family weekends. There is no stress between us. It's all good and the little extra money he gives me helps keep the bills all paid.

Have met a few guys on the net but so far no bells or whistles going off. I guess I keep putting it out there because I really do miss having my own partner in my life. I really hope something comes up soon.

But all is okay with the family and I'm going over to see the grandgirl tomorrow and drop off a couple movies I picked up for her. I can't believe I have a 4 yr. old grand that hasn't seen Mary Poppins! I got that fixed, just have to deliver it.

Had a great Easter Dinner over there at #1son and DIL's place. I cooked but they cleaned up. Was great time. Fixed the bird feeder the son and I put up for the grand. The squirrels discovered it but the poor thing couldn't take the weight and the hanger broke. We have it all back up now and they have had a lot of birds there. Little Z really enjoys them and that tickles me. I got my bird watching from my grandma. She will make four gens on the same bird book...

I have to get the garage cleaned out so I can get the bike and the lawn mower in! Later all!

I got the music in me

2009-04-13T07:05:00.002-05:00

I'm just having some fun. I went to the Saturday jam last week and caught up with everyone then went to the Friday open mic and had a good time this weekend. It topped off figuring out I can direct record from a small board to my computer and have it sound very clean - like studio quality...Now if I was just a studio quality guitiar player!

It was so cool!!! Now I can work up my originals and save the tracks so when my friends stop over, who can REALLY play, I can add bass or lead tracks to my stuff with them. I can record their originals, too and give them demo CD's for getting gigs.

Way too much fun coming soon.

Easy is still here but will be moving upstairs. I don't heat it so he's been on the couch for a long time. He's staying on as a renter but I expect him to move closer to his work place soon.

I went for coffee with a guy I met on craigslist. We will be doing more come summer but I have to say THAT one isn't going beyond friends. He didn't care about the age gap but when it goes over ten years, I do. I'm not the mama. But he's a nice guy so we will probably log some riding time this summer on the motorcycles. He's not from around here and I will try to meet him up with some of the other riders in the area.

I didn't do Easter this year beyond adding to the grands celebration. I'm making dinner for the kids today. I have to go there to cook it, I just realized I don't have a roaster any more. It seemed silly for one human that hardly eats meat to own one so I gave it where it was more needed. I'll have to use plan B. The big cake pan with a foil lid should do it.

Crap, that was what I was gonna cook the scalloped potatoes in....Well - I can use the other cake pan for those I think. It's just gonna be thin layers.

Gotta report to Marvin this am so I'm outta here. Ya'll have a great day and if you have a mate, give them a hug and a kiss for me.

I'm in dire need of a real kiss and a real hug...I even dreamed the mate gave me one the night before last. I gotta find a partner.

Photographs and memories

2009-04-04T08:10:00.002-05:00

are the specialty of my friend, Anvil Cloud. Apparently he had his head in the clouds for awhile and just noticed that my avatar is a photo HE took in Arizona! Wow, that is so cool!

I actually don't know where I found the photo. I may have seen it on his blog but I don't think so. I believe I found it on a google grapic search when I was looking for cover ideas for my booklet I wrote. I liked it so much I put it here for my ID.

I called it "2 spirits dancing" and always add in my head, "all the way to forever". It lifts my heart and now I know who to thank for it. And he says I can use it!

If you like beautiful photos then check out his blog on the side bar or here.

My crocus are almost done and the daffodiles are budding along with the lilacs, just in time to get frosted by the next snow. I'm just about up to HERE with this winter crap. But that's life in MI and I can't see a way to get to KY or TN anytime soon unless the right people show up to buy the house. I should be able to clear enough to relocate if I do that.

But the family is here so I don't know. I'm not liking the MI taxes and I have serious doubts about a state that has re-institute debtors prison and charges people with no income to be in jail. I'll have to wait and see what happens next.

Currently happening next is that I think I'm going to the jam session today in Thinks it's a Big City. I haven't been all winter but once and I'm due for some music.

So, Later ya'll!

Would you like some of my tangerine?

2009-03-31T14:12:00.002-05:00

Just the results of a quiz I did. I'm posting it for general information... this is meme, is it youyou?

Bottom line: you need someone who likes frequent physical and emotional connection like you do, but who helps keeps dependency in check in the relationship so that you two do not lose your identities as individuals.

Bottom line: you need someone who desires and reciprocates intimacy as much as you do.

Bottom line: you need a partner who is enthusiastic and has high self-efficacy like you and will support or even participate in your personal and professional interests that feed your sense of identity and accomplishment.

Bottom line: you need someone who wants a relationship, rather than needs one to feel personally fulfilled.

Bottom line: you need someone who will not put up emotional barriers when you seek to understand his/her thoughts and feelings, but rather will communicate with you intimately and candidly.

Bottom line: you need someone who will join you in taking time to find a complete and genuine resolution to issues as opposed to avoiding conflict by settling for quick, temporary agreements.

Bottom line: you need someone who sees sex as romantic and fun and who will be considerate of your sexual desires.

Bottom line: you need someone who believes that the best kind of love grows out of a strong friendship.

Bottom line: you need someone who can show affection in ways other than just spending time with you – such as talking, walking, or extended road trips together.

So, I'm still looking...life is okay here in Tiny Town. The crocus are up and the daffodiles have buds along with the liliacs. The birds are singing and I need a new motorcycle soon.

May you all have someone to love with today.

I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China

2009-03-17T10:05:00.001-05:00

But the monters of the deep might eat the boat!

I love it when "myths" come true. There really were/are monsters of the deep!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090317/sc_nm/us_fossil_seamonster_4

Have fun!

Am I losing you..

2009-03-15T09:34:00.002-05:00

yup! Lost 11 pounds on the flush. I feel reconnected to myself, too. It's good. I still have winter weight but it's almost garden season and it will tone up later. Mom lost six pounds and felt pretty good, too. I'm waiting to see how she does today, back on "real" food.

I splurged with a piece of pecan pie for desert last night, but otherwise stuck to salad, cheese and beans. I still feel full this morning.

So that's it for the spring flush and I'm back to "normal".

Easy got another job after the temp service laid him off. This is employment through a regular employer. He's way glad to be done with temp services. If it works out he will be set for as long as he needs.

My jam buddy isn't coming over today. I'm planning on getting my cheat book reassembled today and running over some songs on my own. I really need to find a better lead player to hang with the other guy, he needs a better player to do the songs he wants to do.

I have some online chores to do today. The natural burial cemetary is becoming more of a reality. The first survey should be done in a month or two and they can start selling lots. Then I may be able to get ahead a little for the work I've been doing.

I went to visit some friends yesterday. Everyone is doing okay. I saw Bitsy Girl and her Dad. I dropped some of the collection of excess at the Good Will and got it off the porch. I'm wanting to get that cleaned out and painted and I want to get the glider swing treated with water proofing and back out on the patio. I'm gonna give the other seats away and may need some new plastic yard chairs this year. I've seen too many of my friends go over when the old ones just bust a leg. I think I'll replace them before that happens. I think they're like eight or ten years old...

And the yard swing on the tree is about mossed away. I think I'll just take that one down and put a standard swing up for the grands or the next kids that live here. I still want the house to sell. I'm gonna spring clean and tidy up with that in mind and see what happens next. I think I am down to one small U haul to move into another place or one yard sale to move on down the road.

There is just the one garage that has stumped me so long because we spent so much time there and it was so much the mate's space. I think I can get through sorting and trading out what isn't getting junked and get that emptied out except for the mower and the tools I'm keeping.

Been watching the starlings flirt and the robins look for food today. I have the feeders to fill and I want to clean off the back patio later, when the sun is over there this afternoon.

But, man, do I want a RIDE!!!! I'm missing my bike right now and there is no new one on the horizon yet. Thinking I need to call the nephew and see about borrowing mine back for a bit....or even trying to buy it back...maybe. Might be too much fun for the budget. Might have to, anyway.

Going outside!! See ya later.

If you've got the money, honey

2009-03-11T10:36:00.002-05:00

I've got the time...time to read the books the son loaned and the daughter sent me, time to think, time to watch the birds changing into their summmer feathers. Time to talk with friends and time to make music.

I've been doing the master flush again. It's what I call a liquid fast, no solid foods for ten days. Some people call it a diet. I think a diet is something you do for long term.

For me it's a cleansing that recenters me spiritually and gets my body back to "original manufacturers specifications". Mom wanted to do it but kept thinking she couldn't do it alone, so I said I would do it with her. For those of you that might care, this is how I do it.

2 Teaspoons of real sea salt in four cups (1 quart) of water. (I add about one cup of boiling water to dissolve the salt then add the rest cold.) This is a "chug-a-lug", you should finish it in fifteen minutes or less to get it all down at once.

I do this in the morning, before I "start" the day and again, two hours before bedtime.

This is the bowel flush. Be prepared to spend some extra time (and tissue!) in the bathroom. It usually takes an hour or more to pass when you start. By day four or five, it's going right on through in about 25 minutes.

The Drink

2 Tablespoons of fresh squeezed lemon juice, up to 2 tablespoons of real maple syrup, 1/10 a teaspoon of cayanne pepper. Add water to make an 8 ounce drink (1 cup).

Drink 6 to 8 glasses a day. I use it as "meal replacement", meaning I make it for breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime snack.

I usually double the receipe in a 16 ounce glass so I don't have to fuss with it as often.

Make sure you are getting the 64 ounces of water a day that each of us is supposed to drink. Yes, that is one gallon...Most people use purified or distilled water because they can track it easier. I just use my tap water, it's filtered.

I do NOT cut out my caffine. I know it's supposed to rid my body of toxins - some of my toxins are dear to me. I have my coffee and I add any juice I please to the day. Not instead of the water and the lemon drink, but in addition to them.

You will lose some weight on this fast, partly what you didn't eat in ten days and partly what you have eaten that is still with you.....Even with my normal eating habits and having done this once last year, it was day six before I had a "mostly liquid" flush. I stay on it the full ten days to give the fluids a chance to soften up the remains in the intestines and move it out.

The "real" master flush reccomends a laxative tea in the evening. For me, that seems like a little over kill. But for Mom, she added prune juice and a stool softener the first two days to get things moving right. I felt like I needed some fiber in there to "scrape the sides down" so I added flaxseed/ginger/cinnamon tea one night and may have some again tonight - it was GOOD! It's my own concoction.

I don't make this set in stone or rocket science. Some people add extra salt (heaped teaspoons) or less water. Some people lighten up the cayanne pepper. I cut the maple syrup in half or it's too sweet for me.

I feel this regime gets my circulation going, cleans out the filter system in my body and resets my eating habits by giving my body the ability to process foods correctly again. Lots of people think it's BS and a waste of time.

I lost 14 pounds the first time I did this. Over the next months I continued to lose weight. I was satisfied with less food. I don't believe it was from "shrinking my stomach", you put a quart of water in it twice a day....But if you are getting the nourishment from your food again, you need less for your body to throw up the "I'm full" signals.

My standard was two sandwiches, chips and a pickle for a "light" lunch. Some times I couldn't finish even one after I did this, and forget the pickle...Didn't need it.

I liked being able to slice an apple and about two ounces of cheddar cheese up for lunch with a glass of milk and feeling full. I like being able to stretch my food budget, too, now that I'm on unemployment benefits for income. It makes a difference.

So that's what's going on this week. We are on day seven, just three more to go. Mom is feeling fine and amazed that she's not hungry. That was the main reason I made it ten days the first time. If I made the lemon drink when I felt an urge to eat, I was satisfied.

That's not to say that temptation isn't out there. Just that I really didn't want that brownie and my body knew it. My tummy still wanted it, my mouth might crave it, but if I was honest with me, I didn't NEED it.

It's the only fast or diet I've been on that I am NOT hungry on. It's the only thing that ever helped me lose weight AFTER I was done doing it.

So the winter weight us northerners get is getting the old heave ho and I feel pretty good about things today. And, for the record. I weighed 238 pounds the first time I did this. By July I weight about 175 with no additional exercise or enforced diet.

My extension came through on the unemployment. I'm still looking for work. But I have the time to enjoy life a little, even with no money I'm doing just that!

Love the one you're with!

I've been up and down and over and out

2009-02-25T14:29:00.002-05:00

and I know one thing, That's Life!

A friend got in touch with me last week and needed a place to stay. Of course I put her up! Things are just a little out of whack in her life and she just needs a place to be that feels safe. She's got the upstairs.

Last week also I was informed I'm "just a friend" again. Easy come, Easy going. But he's got money coming in now so I guess he'll be okay. I don't know when he's leaving. You don't just toss people out for not falling in love with you -- at least not in Michigan in the winter. He's on the couch.

So I've got a full house and an empty heart. It's hard to explain the duality of my feelings about this relationship. I know with my head that we weren't clicking, too many differences between us. No harm, no foul. But I am sad and already lonely again. I can't keep him but I don't want him to leave, either.

I guess I'll just keep moving and see what comes next. Year 3 and I'm looking for a partner again.

But I am looking. I'm not quitting on love to be a lonely old woman with a bitter heart.

Win one, lose some....That's life!

I'm looking over a four leaf clover

2009-02-15T14:17:00.003-05:00

that I overlooked before. Just keeping my 'tude up...

Yesterday went mostly well. The FL bunch is head through IN and still okay. The #1son is headed for the house and safe. The party is on for Wednesday at the Sister's. It's all good.

Spring is on the way. I want a motorcycle already....so I'm looking.

All you need is love

2009-02-14T12:39:00.001-05:00

If you have love in your life today, celebrate it! I would. :)

The neice and nephew in law from FL will be here sometime Monday, I'm guessing. They are leaving today and driving up. For entertainment on the trip they are including their french bull dog on their holiday. That should be fun. I haven't seen her since she was about 10 and I'm looking forward to the visit.

The cousin's are all planning time to see her, even the way north ones that burned out. That story continues to restore faith in human goodness. Between donations and the content insurance they had they will be able to put up a new place in the spring. I'm so glad for them.

When we burned out the Bro3 in law gave us a deal on a 17 foot camper we lived in for nine months. The kids have a rental house with a bed room for everyone and it's now fully furnished. They will have what they need when the new place is up and enough to share with the next family that burns out in their area....

Pay day! Easy got his first check and it's helped him feel so much better! There are still lingering signs of depression but it's finally starting to pass. He's gonna be working on his vehicle today and getting a cell phone up so he can stay in touch with everyone better. I'm so glad for him. I made a card and some no-bakes for him for today. He seemed to like it.

The #1son will be home a few days to spend time with the family and the cousins that will be staying with his family. I will be getting over there.

I got to go see Bitsy Girl this week! With the extra cost of heating and such in the winter and getting Easy launched I haven't had travel money to make the trip up there or much time to do it. I have missed her. I took her Christmas present and her (coming soon) birthday present up to her.

She really liked them both but her greeting to me let me know she was upset with me for not coming sooner. How do you explain weather and finances limit you to a 9 year old? We are okay, however. We both know the other still likes them. That was important to me and to her.

I stayed and played guitar with her dad and his visitor. We all took turns on one flat top. I knew I should have taken mine with me! It was a good visit and I was so glad to see them all. Then the phone rang and it was MoB calling to talk to Bitsy Girl. She had gone back next door to play vidio games with her new neighbors. He caught up with her dad and asked him to have her call him back later. It seemed strange that we were all sitting there together when he decided to call.

So life goes. I'm still living it. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! Love on.

Lord, I hope this day is good

2009-02-09T12:09:00.002-05:00

Easy's first week at work went very well. The machine assembly they do is right up his alley and he cut a custom tool for them that let him show off some of his metal skills. It's good and he really likes the work.

He had put in for so many jobs in the last several months and heard nothing. Then he got a call from a place over two towns for minimum wages, this job place called him and the day he was gone for orientation, the best place in our area called him for testing. He was going to try to get in there because it's steady work near home. But he decided he likes this job better, even if it means some travel in the future. He called and gave up his testing appointment so someone else could have it. It made us both feel pretty good.

We had no trouble getting him to work. (amen, vehicles both running and enough gas in them, too!) He had no trouble wanting to get there! He's still short some tools but we are working on it. The new rolling tool box has been customized and will be very welcomed today. Hauling all his tools around was a long distance walking marathon in the huge buildings. Sprung for a pair of new boots, too. Hoping his feet appreciate them. Really hoping they are comfortable on that hard cement. These guys walk for miles every day on cement and up and down catwalks.

I looked at shoes and boots for two days this weekend, trying to help him find a good pair. He was shooting for cheap but I was looking for something that would last longer than two weeks. I was surprised at the shoddy workmanship on the products set out for display. There was hot glue showing in the seams. There were tears where there should have been curves. They were tiny, but in leather that just means it will rip out.

Sure, some of the stuff was "low end" but I will spend a little more to get something that will lasts. And if I do a job I like to do it right. I worked in upholstery done with hot glue tools. You don't over apply glue or get it on the material above the seam line....it's not hard to do, just takes being careful and is easier with experience. Not really any excuse for that much "slop".

Most of what we looked at was glued. We had to really dig to find "leather uppers, thick rubber soles, stitched construction and padded arch supports", aka work boots. It shouldn't have been so time consuming.

I looked for a pair of new tennis shoes for me, too. I pulled a pair that seemed pretty good, took off my shoe and realized I was buying the same brand again. That was okay by me, the last pair lasted three or four years! I can still use them but the velcro doesn't vel anymore. I'll have to try to be more careful.

You get a construction helmet to wear at Easy's shop. You get to keep it and customize it. I spent some time this weekend making stickers for him. That was fun. And today he sits here just killing time till he can go to work. I'm loving seeing him smile.

He talked about people complaining, like, "I'm not doing HIS work! He gets paid more than me". He is so glad to be working he just can't understand anyone griping about whatever it is they do to earn a living.

I know it won't last. We all forget. In six months or a year he will probably be griping right along with them about something. For now he is aware of the joy of having a job and looking forward to having his "own" money again. I'm just tickled for him.

And he's working where my "other brother" works, only on a different shift. I guess I need some new nicks. I try to keep them short and easy to remember but sometimes I just don't get inspired. Think I'll call the other foster brother MisterB and that makes the wife MissusB. They are the ones that got married in November.

I was jammin with the guy from Thinks it's a big City yesterday. We are starting to make some progress. That means my brain is starting file lyrics again. I'm glad. It was getting toward dark when MisterB called and said put the coffee on. I shut down the rehersal and geared up for eucher. They brought a pie and we played six games. This time we switched partners, too.

So we shopped, got chores caught up, had rehersal, played cards and darned if it wasn't almost a "normal" weekend.

I still define normal as "like it used to be before I lost my mate". I don't know if I can ever define it as "like other people". With a little more love and a little less confusion in comunication between us, it might happen.

Even if it doesn't, we've kept each other going through a long, hard winter.

Today is good.

memories in bits and pieces

2009-01-29T14:41:00.004-05:00

Okay, sometimes I like to TRY to fit in! And I have so taken time to catch up with my friends on the net this week. Dial up makes commenting strange, still, here.

So my very long time reader and friend, Anvil Cloud posted a meme with an open invite.

Per Anvil: The rules: go to your photo folder, target the sixth folder and then the sixth photo in the folder. Describe and discuss. Any takers?

It happens that this is my sis in FL and her husband. I believe it was one of their engagement photos. They don't just have good looks, they have a Harley to ride, too.

Details: http://anvilcloud.blogspot.com/2009/01/on-day-much-like-today.html

workin man blues

2009-01-29T08:43:00.003-05:00

There isn't anyone I know that is working that can have the "workin man blues" for long in this state. If you have a job you treasure it.

I went to an information session yesterday through our Michigan Works program. The number of forms and releases with the same info to be filled in annoyed me.

I also discovered I have a poor attitude about a woman my age finding work in this area. I didn't know I was so negative about it until I was actually trying for this training.

It's not that I don't want to work but that I seem to want meaningful work. I thought about teaching. I saw on the news last night that they want to retire thousands of teachers to bring in "new" teachers at lower rates of pay as a budget measure. Now why would anyone want a job they know won't pay the bills?

Maybe I'll take up tutoring....

There are many things I can do. I just don't really feel like doing anything right now. The weather is still awfully cold here. I think I'm in some kind of "hibernation" mode.

Maybe I'll snap out of it come spring. But the unemployment runs out in four weeks unless I get an extension of benefits. It's a little scary.

I, unlike many I know, have options. I will also almost invariably find work. I always have. It's just a matter of choosing a direction.

But the good news is Easy got hired today! He goes for testing and orientation on Monday, starts Tuesday. It's a good job with decent wages and insurance.

So one of us is gonna be working, anyway. and in our area it's a miracle that anyone finds work. I'm thankful and he is thrilled.

The fundamental things apply

2009-01-24T11:35:00.005-05:00

as time goes by......

Three years and I'm still here. Easy is keeping me company but things have not clicked right between us. We get each other by for now as roomies. It's okay, no harm, no foul, just no click.

And each person I love has helped me learn to walk as myself again. But I miss the mate today.

There's a gathering of our friends tonight. I don't know if I can stay if I go. I don't know if I can go. I want to try. I miss them. But it's not an easy day for me. Might not make it.

The computer is almost ready for the big tear down. I am looking into putting XP on it. Need to find the drivers for this machine first. That's this weekend's project. It's good to be busy.

The Mom's bday is Tuesday. I have a small gift for her. Sis is bringing dinner again. I have invited the kids out for cake and ice cream. She's gonna be 72. We gotta party while we can!!

And tomorrow is another day I will be glad to greet. I will keep on loving and caring and looking for a partner I can keep and enjoy. That's life. I'm living it.

Have been working on some music with a man from the next town over. May get something going, but I don't think so. We have different styles. It's been fun to jam.

So I'm a little blue today, but I'm not destroyed like I was. This, too, will pass. I didn't believe it but I'm seeing it happen. I can't forget the mate. I do miss him and our life. But I can smile that I have had love in my life and keep looking for it again. I know it's real and it can happen. The changes keep coming and I keep managing to get through them. I'm okay.

Thank you all that care and have helped me get so far again.

and Melt your cold, cold heart

2009-01-16T16:03:00.003-05:00

I was looking for jobs on Craigslist.com today when I opened the "wanted" ads to see if I could sell someone something to raise a little cash. I'm ok, but more is better and, after bills, there isn't any extra right now.

I found a posting that lifted my heart. A man named Marv Foster wants to help those in need, so he is renting a building to open for the overflow from the "regular" shelters.

I checked it out and it was legitimate. It's nice to see someone trying to make it a little easier for others. All I can do for them is pass it on.

If you are in the Central Michigan area please consider passing this around to your friends. I did.

****
Man Opens Homeless Shelter
http://www.wxmi.com/pages/news_landing_page/?Man-Opens-Homeless-Shelter=1&blockID=187022&feedID=296

Its located at 1136 Plainfield, just south of Lenord street, in Grand Rapids.

If you can, please drop off donations directly.

This is their list:
blankets
pillows and pillow cases
food/snacks
games/cards
cleaning items
hygiene items and anything else that might be used.

This is my list:
prayers for needs to be filled
bus tokens
back packs
folding tables and chairs
folding cots or beds
local newspaper subscriptions
phone cards
notebooks, pens, pencils
paperback books
working used computers

Thanks and God Bless

*****

It's bitterly cold right now in our area and going to be that way for a little longer before it "warms" up, like over freezing. I have been homeless. I remember how hard it can be to live like that. I was lucky. I found work and friends got me by until I was on my feet. There are few jobs in Michigan right now. A lot of people have been put on the streets by factory closings and relocations. If you can help, please do.

You say it's your birthday!

2009-01-12T14:51:00.001-05:00

And it is. So I'm home quietly enjoying the day.

The mom stopped by and dropped off a card. We had coffee and visited. It was good.

Now I'm trying to get the stupid Vista browser to let me view my webpages with all the information in them and no idiot warning bars... I HATE Vista.

But at least the 32 bit runs most of my software. And the challenge of getting it to run the way I want it to is keeping me busy.

Not bored!

Later all.

Spread your tiny wings and fly away....

2009-01-10T10:30:00.003-05:00

Snowbirds. Yesterday the hawk sat right on top of my feeder. There were several smaller birds hiding low in the lilacs but it didn't seem interested in them. It just sat there and looked around. It was fun to watch. I have had several hawks over the years that "hunt over bait" but I can't grudge them their survival.

Today the bird hordes are back and eating all the seed they can before the snow hits. I have a fair variety of birds and enjoy all of them.

I have had a lot of time to sit and watch them while the files are found, restored, moved to the portable drive and then to the new hard drive...computer rebuilds, ICK!

I had to take back my first machine because Vista 64 bit won't run any of the software I have. I downgraded to a 3 gb machine with Vista 32 bit and still haven't managed to get it to recognize my printer/scanner/copier.....says it's too old. I'm cranky about it and going to try again. There has to be away to make it work. I just have to find it.

So the new machine is almost up. I have to go back to the old machine. Import all my old email into outlook express, export my old email from outlook express and all my settings, then put the files on the port drive and import them into the crappy new mail program that comes with Vista.

I'm thinking I might try to install OE 6 on the Vista machine just for fun and see if it will run....

I have a party to go to today for a retiring uncle....That should be fun if we can get there in the snow. I was thinking of cancelling but hate to. I don't get to see the family often enough.

But just to say hello to all of you and I'm glad you're still hangin' in there with me I got the machine online and working again.

Back soon!

bbbbbb BAD, bad to the bone

2008-12-29T18:48:00.003-05:00

I have been fighting with a dying computer, doing CPR, (computer please - RESTORE) for days. I just gave it up today.

My machine lost some files I REALLY wanted to have for a long time. I got annoyed and went out to do the banking and see the #1DIL and SOMEHOW ended up at the store carrying my latest desired machine.....

See, somehow, in this economy, my credit got extended on my credit card back awhile ago. I have been talking myself out of spending any of it incase of emergency. I never have been real good at taking my own advice.

But I really need a working computer. I build websites, do recording, movies, photo editing, build data bases and more. It's lots of heavy memory work on a machine.

I was bad....I have a new machine downloading it's 61 Vista updates as I type.

Will still be spotty online for awhile until I get my NEW machine set up and running with a new ISP but when I come back I can do everything I need do without the poor thing having a breakdown.

I'm bad, but I'm pleased. I'm calling it my xmas/bday gift to me from me.

Now I just have to pay it off!

****************

The neice and nephew are back up north now, sorting bags of stuff and organizing their temporary home. The Sis went up today to help. I may go up later, if they need me. They have so much to sort - so many kind people have offered help - they don't know where to start.

Thank you to all that have offered prayers and sent help for them. They are going to need it to get their home back up. But it WILL go back up! What a blessing!

****************

Our Christmas was wonderful but some typhoid mary gave a bunch of us the flu. Easy is down and so is GrandGirl and the DIL. Baby Bashie is fine, so far. I think I had it a month ago, it seems to be missing me.

Grand1 has been over with his girl to hang and play cards and such the last week. It was good to see him again. She's a sweetie.

The clutch is funky on the truck. I'm gonna have to get that looked at - later. After I get this machine loaded up and whipped into shape!

So I'm busy, broke, but being productive again. Yay me!

Catch ya all soon as I get back online. I'm at the hotspot for downloading updates right now. Will be back again tomorrow after I install my software! (again. )

Hugs to all of you!

Peaceful, easy feeling,

2008-12-28T13:42:00.003-05:00

Just trying to stay positive. There is so much to be glad for here. I have power still, amazingly enough. The wind was down right scary all night.

Easy has been sick so I was on the couch. I wanted him to rest as well as he could. I think he's feeling a little better today. Not a good bug, though.

The Neice and Nephew have been so loved! Our holiday together was in a little sharper focus because of their major trauma. Losing your home hurts.

Odd little bits of good news - a friend went into the mess and found the neice's wedding rings. The photo albums from the same event were in a wooden stand my father built. It's old, dry cherry wood and was between two chairs that burned....it was unharmed. Not even water damage. The photos are safe. The grama's china is also undamaged even though the kitchen is a major burn point in the home.

There has been such an outpouring of help from the workplace, the community and the family that they have more than they can handle right now just going through all the things offered to them. One of the guys the Nephew works with gave them a home, rent free for several months, a local business donated beds for each child and a king size for the parents, there is a tree and presents there for them, too. An entire Yukon suburban full of gifts....gift cards, phone cards, tv, playstation, furniture- they will be days getting things sorted out and shook down but they have so much replaced that the PST will be lessened for all of them.

They are hanging in there pretty well but the oldest boy is having trouble sleeping. He's around five or six and just old enough to really understand what happened. Being at my Sis's place comforted them all as it's "normal" to stay at Granny's.

Normal. Pick your own definition. But to put some "normal" back in your days after such a hit is a great comfort. It means life can be like it was before the fire - someday. Before the hurricane, before the flood - whatever.

Your days are totally rearranged by a disaster. Your habits no longer apply. Lock the doors, put on the coffee for morning, set the alarm, go to bed in your own room and own bed, wake up, go to work... The pace of your days change from what you have done to what you can do. It's all so hard for the short people and the parents are dealing with learning that life is changed in just a second from "normal" to "survival mode".

So I am glad to be home, a little crazy with cabin fever, a little bummed that Easy is ill, a little tired of the same old walls.....the walls that keep the wind outside, the home that is still my refuge, with power to keep us warm and food enough to share....

And all my problems seem smaller. The things it takes to remind us to be thankful for the day...

So, for the way too many-th time...If only you can do it, do it now. Love the one you are with while they are there and don't wait for "the right time" to heal the hurts, mend the fences and keep the love right between all those you walk with here.

(that would be NOW)

Later on, we'll conspire

2008-12-23T14:19:00.002-05:00

as we sit by the fire....to face unafraid, the plans that we made.............

Standing in our socks, up to our knees in a winter wonderland.

My neice and her mate, along with their four children (all under six years of age), lost their home to a furnace fire last night about eleven. They live in very northern Michigan. They are all okay, but the four quilts Neice made for each kid for christmas, along with almost everything else they had, is gone. Poof.

I kept telling people and will continue to do so, that it's all just stuff and stuff just burns up. That the only thing important here is how we love and care for each other. The kids just got that lesson burned into their hearts. I hate it.

I hate knowing I'm too far away to help. I hate knowing how they feel right down to the bottom of their hearts. I love knowing that their friends and family there are caring for them today. And I love knowing that when it's all forgotten in six months and they are still struggling to get their home replaced and needs filled that I will remember and I will be there for them, along with all the rest of us that have stood there.

So Christmas just got a little warmer in my heart. We have a family down!!! Circle the wagons! And I love knowing all the family here is in the circle surrounding them with signs of their love.

So hug the one you're with, and be glad you are safe today, in your own place and out of the weather. It's something to be thankful for that we forget too often.

We need a little Christmas!

2008-12-21T12:25:00.011-05:00

Click on the card to get the printable version!

Click on the title for a tune!

Click here to get the printable version!

Haul out the holly

Put up the tree before myspirit falls again

Fill up the stocking

I may be rushing things, but

deck the halls again now

For we need a little Christmas

Right this very minute

Candles in the window

Carols at the spinet

Yes, we need a little Christmas

Right this very minute

It hasn't snowed a single flurry

But Santa, dear, we're in a hurry

So climb down the chimney

Turn on the brightest string of

light I've ever seen

Slice up the fruitcake

It's time we hung some tinsel

on that evergreen bough

For I've grown a little leaner

Grown a little colder

Grown a little sadder

Grown a little older

And I need a little angel

Sitting on my shoulder

Need a little Christmas now

For we need a little music

Need a little laughter

Need a little singing

Ringing through the rafter

And we need a little snappy

"Happy ever after"

Need a little Christmas now

a whiter shade of pale

2008-12-21T10:19:00.002-05:00

I don't know if this will display well. It was very snowy, blowy and grey except for the blob of sun trying to break through the clouds.

That is just before noon today in my little town.

The cars are across the street in the neighbors yard. It's been like this for days now.

Easy went north to help his dad for a few days and I had to call yesterday to tell him that his mom had gone to the hospital for low blood pressure and chest pains.

He got lucky and drove over between storms. It's rough out there for all the drivers.

My son the trucker is stuck on the Wisconsin and Iowa border in a truck stop. I feel badly for all the drivers stranded today.

So, no - I'm not going anywhere right now and neither are very many others. Thngs are hard all around in Michigan right now.

The rear end is out on KMA's truck. Jennette is laid off and dealing with her kids health and legal problems with very low income. Sis and her mate went in the ditch. They got out safely but the oil pan was damaged on her car. That's in the shop. The clutch is going out on my truck. My Bitty girl and I haven't seen each other in weeks, I can't get up north it seems. I don't know how she is doing for the holiday. That hurts me. Mom is running low on funds, we keep her covered but it's hard for her - she's a GM retiree. My friend, Gloomy, found his mom dead in her apartment on his birthday. Little T is down to eight hours a week for work and walking to get there. The neice of a friend is in the hospital for low oyxygen levels - no one seems to know what's causing it. There is a 22 year old young woman who is spending the holiday in a woman's shelter. She was beaten by her boyfriend. She's pregnant and alone in a strange place for the holiday. I can't help her, either. The sad part of this list is that I could go on - but isn't that enough?

Many of us are broke, broke down, stressed, and depressed or losing loved ones....then it snowed some more. It's only four days until we celebrate the birth of a man of peace and love. I see so much around me that needs love applied to it and feel frustrated I can't help right now.

I refuse to have a pity party for me. I was bumming that I am alone again and short on resources. NOT!!

I'm so blessed. And even for those I listed, they are in warm homes and with loving family and friends to help them. They have food and heat. They have love in their lives, however scant it may feel to them, it's there.

We share it with each other. If you are out there today, mobile, and can give a hand to someone, please do. Pass on the blessing you have in your life to others today.

All I can do is post this on the web for those who still read here to see and say I love you all. I'm glad to have such wonderful family, friends, children and Vfriends.

May your holiday be filled with love, enough to share.

I am a happy wanderer

2008-11-27T21:16:00.002-05:00

I'm across the state visiting Easy's Mom. The Thanksgiving dinner we brought and I made turned out well. There was enough and to share with an aunt that wandered in. I played and sang downstairs tonight for several ladies I met last time I was over.

I talked to the #1son and have heard from all the kids this week. I had a great time with the sis and mom Tuesday night.

Easy is still hanging around and we are going back to my place tomorrow and then to my sister's for their day late celebration.

Saturday I'm hitting the jam session and going to babysit for a friend so she and the husband can get a night out.

Sunday I'm supposed to sing at Mom's church after her pastor asked me to when he heard me at the wedding.

The wedding for the brother went well and they are still very happy - it's only been six days (lol!).

I'm working on an ad campagain for a friend, another friend's music page and just in general wandering all over.

If the north country cousin is reading - I tried several times to call and didn't get through. I hope all is well!

Later all!

Crazy for feeling so lonely

2008-11-21T12:22:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I hardly left the house and still had major disruptions going on. Thankfully I can say they all went from red alert to stand down with no one dead or bleeding....and they weren't all my problems.

It's good here today. I have to go to the bank, the renters (as they have made a habit already) won't have the rent when I needed it, before the bank closes. I'm off to visit the #1DIL, hit the bank, drop off some things for friends, and get back to be at rehersal for my foster brother's wedding at six... busy again.

And Easy may be over for the weekend, too. I'm smiling. I was surprised at how I missed him. We haven't really had a lot of time doing things together, just a few days. I'm so used to being alone, even though I don't like it, that I thought it would be easy for me to be without him. It's nice to say it's been harder than I thought it would be. I think he likes being missed. I know I do and he says he misses me, too.

I even bought a new blouse....a girly one. That is so "NOT ME". I am hard on clothes and mostly own practical stuff. If it looks good, fine. If it's boring, no problem, I'm just gonna mess it up in the garden or the garage anyway...but all of a sudden I'm thinking slinky again. It's silly and fun.

And I need to get my hair done. I hate that. I don't know a style that looks good so I usually just wear it long and clip it back to keep it out of the way. Now what do I do? Ew.

So just a note to say all is well and while we are still looking for work, life is good here.

May it be the same for all of you today.

Hey it's good to be Back Home, again

2008-11-18T14:36:00.005-05:00

I'm here. I made it by the asbestos on the new front brakes. Coming back from Easy's in the first real snow was too exciting for me. Somebody didn't make it home safe right in front of me and I almost slid into the whole mess of four or five cars in my lane before the (blessed!)brakes stopped me.

In my stick shift it's usually enough to kick in the clutch and step down through the gears - last night it wasn't. I locked 'em up and prayed. I stopped - and the semi behind me I was prayin for, too, stopped before I was a hood ornament.

Other than than bad rush and a few spots of very low visibility I made it home okay. Dogs were fine, renters were good, house okay and when I called to check in Easy and Ma were just getting ready to crash.

So I'm back. I'm resting up today and tomorrow I'm doing errands and visits. Gonna be a good bible study tonight.

And Eldest Daughter gets brownie points for making my Mom happy today and lifting her heart. #1DIL for hanging in there through the changes. Best Girl for being there when I need her and Scooter Girl for her caring ways.

Go team! I love you all. And to the cousin up north - YAY! Have another good day!

I'm waiting to see what happens next. I'm willing to be surprised and I'm loving the way things come together just when I think they are falling apart.

Life is good.

You lay so easy on my mind...

2008-11-16T11:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time, blog time. Sorry all.

I got my fall flu and it held on three weeks. My computer is acting up. My dial up is pitiful and my computer has decided not to let me online with wifi. There are my excuses.

I have been getting to know the renters better. It's going okay and it still looks like they want the house. If they follow through, well, we'll see.

MoB finished the CD and it will be up shortly. We are waiting for the mp3 sales account to be set up to launch it here. I'll post a link when we do. It's very good. And the single he will be releasing is going to be hot, I think.

I washed out with him, he said he didn't love me but wanted to stay friends. That was in July. We managed it, but I stayed in as partner until his new one arrived from Arkansas. He still needed me in the music. I miss the music between us worse than the companionship.

She was here nine days and they married. He has moved down to be there with her. It put a hole in the CD launch up here and left him without a band until he makes new contacts there. Before he left I got the cover, back and liner notes done for the CD. I will do the websites still, it's what I do, but there's nothing in it for me except knowing I keep my word.

In August I met a man at a yard sale he was having to raise gas money to move out of Michigan. He was down from a woman going back to a man that beat her after he helped her get away from him. His dad is terminally ill, his family, except the sis he was staying with, was across the state and he didn't have many friends where he was yet.

I don't know how I get into these conversations just wandering through a yard sale, but it's not the first time. I wanted to help so I brought Jeanette back to look at his stuff and bought some myself. Then I invited him to the Labor Day party at my other friend's. It's a three day camp out and music fest and we have a great time. We just went over one night and partied around the fire. I sang and he liked my music.

I needed that sump changed out and offered to pay him to do it for me a few weeks later. I threw in dinner and a movie, too. So you see where this is going? He called me and stayed in touch and came over just to talk several times and I was too stupid to see it was because he liked me. I finally caught on just before he left town.....like the NIGHT before he left. I'm so slow sometimes. And he doesn't state his feelings well, he shows them in his actions, not his words. I'm a word person....a slow one.

He's trying to get a job and stay to help take care of his mum, who needs someone to help with chores and such. So I helped him get across the state to her. But I missed him. And he wanted his uncle that plays country music and is from TN to meet me, and his mum...and that's where I am this weekend, across the state.

I'm bumming because I'm across the bridge from Anvil Cloud and was told I need a passport to go over the bridge. That's money I didn't have.

And the first night here, he showed me how he felt about me. I accepted his love and returned it.

I'm not built to be alone. I'm not alone now and I am smiling that "I have something special" smile that woman wear when they are content in their lives as I type this.

I think I'm gonna call him Easy here. He's easy on my heart and easy in his laid back ways. He won't always be Easy to live with, he's a man of strong beliefs and principles and that's gonna make him hard to be with sometimes but they match mine close enough that I can respect them and let him be hard when he has to be.

But he is Easy for me to trust. He's thoughtful and shows he cares by his actions. So please be glad for me and my apologies to all the family that I haven't told about this yet...you'll like him. My life just got easier and I'm loving it.

Where ever you wander, where ever you roam

2008-10-16T17:14:00.002-05:00

be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

But home is where I keep my stuff. I gotta get outta here. I think I took the first step. I took in renters that will be moving in tomorrow. They have the middle garage and the two rooms upstairs. I let them put stuff in the living room, I didn't have much there anyway.

They want to buy the place and we talked about land contracts but I don't think it's going like that. I need to really go - not just half get out from under...We'll have to see how it goes. We put off talking about permenant change until the first 30 days is up.

But things continue to move forward ho around here. The new grand is doing well. I'm told he's a natural entertainer - makes noises even in his sleep. The grand girl is laughing at him a lot.

The #1DIL is doing much better now. She is getting used to being a home mom and healing from her C section. The trucker #1son is keeping his wheels rolling to support them and aside from not enough time home, all is well there.

The Best Girl came over on the mate's bday and spent time helping me get stuff around for the new tenants. We cried a little but agreed that strange things happen on that day for us.

The studio experience has been invaluable for teaching me to hear all of the music, not just the vocals. MoB and Verdict Records tech, TheMan, have a way of hearing things I never even notice. But I am eminently teachable. I love listening to them find the tiny flaws in a track and discuss how best to repair them. I am still reccomending http://www.verdict-records.com to anyone in Michigan's Lansing area for recording. The guy puts his heart in each track but has the skill to make it special every time.

You can hear some of the raw studio cuts at http://www.mobluzband.com , just click the music link and hit one of the green arrows on a player to listen. "Just Wanna Know" is also known as "The song that got me into this mess". I do the back up on it. The mix isn't right yet for balance, the cuts are raw, but it is a good tune.

The nephews, B1son and Cboy2 made a trip over to help me get the upstairs empty and B1son changed out my front brake pads, too. I'm feeling spoiled. Cboy2 took the Mom on a motorcycle ride and stole all the brownie points from everyone for the winter. She loved it.

Jeanette and crew are getting things finally shook down. After getting back into the house her second son had an accident at work and just finally got the back surgury that has let him almost walk again. He is still very limpy but the pain is lessened. Big Amen there.

KMA and I are playing phone tag. I have a couple people checking me out for singing jobs and I need more hours in the day to do my web work for the four sites I am building and the way too many I am doing constant updates for.

So I'm not here much, again, but I love you all! If I wasn't out to the hot spot to do uploads I wouldn't have gotten this posted!

Later gators!

In dreams you can lose your heartache

2008-10-07T09:39:00.003-05:00

whatever you wish for you keep...I always loved that song.

Seems like a lot of my life would be more fun if I could live it in dreams. I dreamed that I went to a new home. I walked through it, it seemed like a normal "modular", fairly new. Carpet in the living room was almost like the one I have now but in one corner it seemed to go on forever. There was furniture in part of the room but that one corner, to my left as I faced the room, and ahead of me, was empty and just kept stretching out into the distance. I wondered what was over there. I didn't go and find out. It felt "bad".

That wasn't the weird part though. What was strange was that I was there with the mate and I was not all "wow, here you are again"! It was like we hadn't missed a day together and I took him for granted like we do in real life; Like he was in my dream with me.

I got the feeling it was a place he built to make me happy and he was glad to have me there with him, hoping I would like it. I did, of course. We know each other too well to fail the "build the right nest" thing. I could do a place for him and know he would like it.

This one was empty of the personal touches that make it a particular person's home. Like he left it for me to do for us.

I woke up talking to him and myself again. It's weird. Why talk in your sleep when no one can hear you? But I do, still. It used to amuse him.

I went out the front door to look at the yard with him, but woke up, I think, just still going over what it needed if it was ours.

He was gone again. But my heart didn't hurt, like it would have before. I was just comforted that he had been there with me in a way that felt like "everyday", instead of desperate for contact. I think it means I'm healing more deeply now.

so if I get to keep the dream wish, it's that we will be okay when I get there. Not that I can't love on here and build a new bond with another, just that THAT bond is okay, no matter what.

I think I needed that. It was comforting.

No matter how your heart is bleeding, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.

And now I'm wanting to sell the house. It's overdue. I have had several "almost" deals but the correct one hasn't come through yet. And I want a little house in the big woods. How I'm supposed to get high speed internet and a deeply rural location I don't know....it's part of my contrary nature, I guess.

But the little place I saw was good by me. I'm looking for a direction. I can go anywhere and do whatever I can find to do for income....I just need out from under my house. It's too big and too much yard for me now. I don't want to spend my time doing chores so I need less to care for.

Any of you that pray in any way please add my cousin Reb to the list. She is dealing with serious health issues. Thanks.

My step mother died last week. She was in Florida where I couldn't get to see her before she left. It's sad that we didn't get to see each other when she was up - too much on her schedule. I got to see my sis from down south though and that was fun. She went to FL and got to see our other sis there, too. I hope they had a good time.

I gotta run now, doing some email work for a friend.

Later!

I tried to drum up a phrase that would sum up

2008-09-22T23:30:00.005-05:00

all that I feel for you. Hi Blogger Buds! I just figured out I can post music here, sort of.

Just for fun and because I can.....I'm gonna!

I played with a new friend one day and he had a recording set up for kareoke recording. He was showing me how he could make his own CDs for friends and family. I did some songs, too. It was a lot of fun!

Click on the title of this post to hear me singing a song for my Mom. She and I both love these old songs. I made her a CD and she loved it. Or click the link below.

http://4herway.com/misc/thereivesaiditagain2.mp3

If you liked it you can right click on the title and select "Save Target As" to download it. Yes, it's free. It's a cover tune, not mine. Maybe someday I'll post some of my own music.

I loved doing this, it was fun. There ain't enough of it in my days to waste any.

The night at Quinn and Tuite's went well. I had some new (old) songs to do and most went well. I had one bleeper but the closer made up for it. I did one song with MoB, too.

I got most of the night recorded. As soon as I get to a hot spot I will upload the file from the jam at the end of the night to share. It was full of what music should be, everyone performing having fun and everyone listening having fun.

If I try to do it on dial up I'll be up all night.

Song Sung Blue

2008-09-19T08:17:00.002-05:00

Everybody knows one, I hope I can remember more than one. For those of you in the area, I will be at Quinn and Tuite's tonight at 9:00 to play about an hour while all the great talent signs up for the open mic night. We always have a good time there. Dennis is going for moral support, I'm so glad! If I forget what I'm doing I can ask him to do one with me and bail me out.

Speaking of bailing, just a real world note. The rains really nailed us here for two days and my sump pump was submerged. It wasn't a submersible. I had a spare one put in yesterday and it puked while I was gone last night. I have been running a small back up pump that requires turning on and off. I didn't get much sleep this week.

I got the lawn partly mowed and will try to catch the rest of it before I go sing tonight.

I jumped in the truck to go to an appointment with the people I am building the new websites for and it wouldn't run. It would start, but shut itself off. The word "security" lit up on the dash. I gave up, reset the appointment and joked that now the truck would start. On a lark, I tried it again after I got off the phone. It started.

So I need a new sump pump. I need brakes on the truck soon and at least two tires and I'm about half nuts from not enough rest.

Oh, yeah and I need to fill at least 45 minutes with music tonight and have fun doing it.

Has anyone seen my yaya? I gotta get it out.

I write the songs of love and special things

2008-09-14T09:23:00.003-05:00

This is an almost commercial post. I'm always ready to blog bad experiences with businesses. I also enjoy blogging the good ones. Yesterday I had a good one.

I have been doing live recordings for the MoBluz Band for a couple months now. I started out knowing zero about it. I had done studio recordings but I was the vocalist, not the tech. I've learned more but I have been limited to free software for mixing and recording. The help files taught me a lot but I just don't have the experience and training of a studio tech.

Yesterday I learned how much more can be done with proper equipment and training. Wow.

I followed along with MoB as he went for his first visit to the new studio we made contact with in Lansing. It was quite an experience.

Verdict Records is the start up venture of Chris Newberg. He's a student at one of the local colleges. While he's just starting out with his own studio he worked at a recording studio as a tech and his experience shows in his results.

I have to admit the location was daunting. We were only a block or two from the MSU stadium in Lansing on a game day. The address is just a house on the street, not a "business building". It's shared by several students. They were all very pleasant and enjoying the game on TV while we were there.

We got past all the "hmmmm...." feelings that caused and went on. Then we confronted the stairway to the third floor attic where the studio work is done. It's daunting. I haven't seen a twist in a stairway like that in years and years. I wish I'd thought to take a picture of it. That almost put us back to looking elsewhere. MoBluz and I are NOT 19 year old college students. Luckily we haven't lost our sense of adventure or balance.

I'm glad we haven't. We took the time to look around and talk with Cris. It was obvious that he had put a lot of time in getting the two small rooms sound proofed and tight. Some of his tools are home made but they do the job. We stayed. I am glad we did.

While getting equipment up is an issue the boys there are willing roadies, as is Chris. We had plenty of help. Set up took time, too. Then level setting. Then recording. MoBluz put down three tracks for a test burn. The first time set up always takes longest.

Once all the tracks are down the magic starts. That's where a trained tech comes in. I can add a little echo, up the bass or raise the treble. That's training.

What I saw that this young man has is a desire to have your music sound the way YOU want it to sound. He has the skill to accomplish that goal. More importantly, to me, he will work with your attempt to describe what you want different and keep tweaking until the fine tuning is right in your ears, not his. He never tried to debate a change, only to explain it and make it happen.

He agreed to fine tune one of my stereo recordings for me during a break. It was one that Kevin Murphy played sax on with the band. We started tweaking it together but I could see his ear was good and just left him to it while we went for a break and beverages. Singing is thirsty work.

The difference in the two files is audiable and laudable. The sax is loud and clear, not buried in the background noise.

He has the knowledge I don't have, but he also has an ear for balance that I think I do have. I know I love what he did for the song. I will post links so you can hear them when I get time.

I don't have the vocabulary for telling him that a sound needs the EQ raised for the bass tones. I can only say it's "too thin" or "not full enough".

His mouse flies through the programs, files and buttons, clicking and switiching until he finds the effect he thinks will work. He lands on one, adjusts some settings and plays it back for you in a flash. He's quick and knows his programs.

I don't need to know if he upped the reverb, the echo or raised the bass levels - I did need to know the sound was "richer" when he was done. He and MoB called it "warmer".

They could speak the language to each other. It made it quicker for the fine tuning of the tracks. I know MoB was good with the sound on the test tracks he laid down.

I also know that when I have my songs ready to record I will have my work done with Cris. It may be a "start up" studio, but he won't be long getting it started. He is keeping his rates VERY reasonable, too.

You can find him on the web at Verdict Records and on myspace http://myspace.com/verdictrecordslansing . I will be posting links to both on the side bar.

If you are interested in getting your original music recorded your way Verdict Records is the top of my list of places to call first. You will have a master CD to burn when you walk out the door.

I have checked out other studios and pricing in the area. I have talked with other recording techs. You can find bigger studios, better locations, more equipment - maybe even better prices (I doubt it!), but I challenge you to find a tech with more heart to get your music your way.

Chris Newberg at Verdict Records is going to be short on time to schedule recording very shortly, if I'm not mistaken. Get on the list now if you want studio time, I'm tellin' you!

His website is being updated. When the recording samples are up I will post a link here for you to check out.

He's not heavy

2008-08-22T21:05:00.002-05:00

he's my brother.

I just got a call from a friend of mine whose brother has been fighting cancer for several months now. The battle was lost, in one sense, as his brother died Friday. It was won in that the family is rallying around to comfort one another as they pulled together to help him.

This bunch raise just under (an unnamed for privacy amount) to help their bro pay the bills he was inccuring from the medical treatments. They baked, gathered, auctioned, and ran an event that lasted all day. They hauled, set up, hustled, baked, barbequed, and in other ways fed and entertained over 250 people.

They did all this while he was here to see the love they have for him. They did this together.

I can know they will miss him and respect their sadness but I can't be sad for them. This is a family that stays together, plays together and, Monday, they will grieve together, but they will live on knowing they showed their love while they could. Knowing that love is their for each of them while even one other is here to help.

Bless their hearts and say a prayer for my friend. Thank you.

Ch-Ch-Ch..Changes

2008-08-15T16:50:00.003-05:00

I'm just a little worn out with all the changes in the lasts two years and a piece.

I didn't make the cut with my friend - and MoB is still my friend - so I'm still looking for a partner, darn it. But it's ok, no meanness, no intentional hurts, it's just not gonna happen.

That was ok but then Thursday I got indefinately laid off - which is Michigan short hand for let go. I've been with the same place ten years. It's gonna be scary on just unemployment and finding a job at my age is tricky at best. Thinking I have to think up a shingle to hang...

But for now everything is the same until the transition to UE income so I'm not gonna sweat it until I have to. I'm going up to the Big City tonight to an open mic with MoB. It's still fun to have a friend to do things with. We'll just have to see what happens next.

But that's all you get right now, gotta get the email while I'm snacking at the wifi place. Later.

another day is done gone

2008-08-05T09:29:00.003-05:00

It was a long weekend. I got out early Friday for a friend. I was supposed to be there for a medical situation. It didn't happen. They didn't have the planned test and got out early, I got there late. I was bumming but then realized I was out of work and had vacation time left so I could be paid for my time off....

Instead of doctor stuff we did breakfast, photos, shopping and then I went home to pack up for the "camping' weekend with the band. That didn't quite go as planned either. We didn't camp out.
I packed for it but ended up leaving most of the stuff in the truck. No worries! We had fun!

In a nice, rural location there was a barn with a stage built on it next to a farm house. There was plenty of acreage to roam in, deer in the fields, little kids and puppies, lots of food, great people and really fun, good and lovin' doin it musicians making music all weekend.

There was so much equipment and so many good music makers that it was a challenge to get everything fixed up for everyone. It got done with smiles and willing hands. The Crimson Tide recorded for everyone on their totally WOW equipment. Can't wait to hear those tunes!

MoB and I ran up Saturday to the Big City and got the Bassman and Ms. Bassman. They hung with us and stayed at MoB's that night. The Daring Drummer showed up to juggle sticks and licks on his Harley. The band played on. And the other band. And the singers sang and the players played and the music just rolled over the fields and into the stars. Both nights ran till after one a of the m. Both nights were just a riot.

The heat was hard to deal with but the ice cream truck took some of the sting out of it and the kids had a pool to swish around in. The host and hostess were caring and generous with everyone. The Bassman's didn' t know anyone but us and left feeling like they made a lot of new friends. They felt right at home. So did I. It was my first time with most of the people there.

Best Girl and #2grand had to chase the escape artist down and put one of my dogs back in the pen for me and when I came home the lawn looked beautiful. I traded a bed for this last goround of help from them and I'm not sorry. They are so good to me!

#1son called and and DIL is still having trouble with her pregnancy. My littlest grandson is proving difficult to hang on to for her. They seem to have the BP back under control but she's on restricted activities. I'm on back up duty there for the dog and house and Mom is on the bedside delivery cheering section. That way if the truck drive is too far out she still is covered. Go Team!

Sunday started rough for me. I woke up early and went down to the local pub for their great coffee. The files of the recordings this weekend were on the USB drive. I got them on the machine and found I can't open them. Wrong file format.

Then I had offended a nice person and had to apologize to them for my thoughtless words by email. Disappointed about the music and in myself, I got a cup of coffee to go and left. As I opened the truck door I spilled that all over me. I did the dance of pain and brushed it off, thankful I had missed the computer bag.

When I went back to MoB's I poured out my troubles. Said I shoulda stood in bed. Said I wasted space walkin here. Got it out of my system while he listened and then I felt better.

I swung at some whiffle balls with the short golf clubs with Bitsy Girl. Then we worked on a canvas stitching project together; I showed, she sewed. She did really well at it. There are more for her to do later on her own. I think she will.

The vonBassman's got up and we all strolled through the day, resting, shopping, a few chores, then cooking and ending up at the table at sunset just too full to move from the great food MoB provided. It was a great good time! I hated to leave. (as per usual)

I got home in time on Sunday to get laundry done, do dishes and catch up with the animals. It was a little late when I got to bed, but I made it.

I'm making it. I'm still here and I'm still loving and living. It's all good.

Gonna sit down in the kitchen

2008-07-25T06:10:00.000-05:00

get me something good to eat - not! But that's the line that opens the Friday Song, as it's known here in Mid MI. And it's Friday.

I can't get out early today and so I will be flying to get get cleaned up, load the stuff I need and get up to the gig tonight. For all of you "real and here" people that read - come on out to Westwood on the Crossing tonight. It's just off the Beltline about two miles west on West River Drive. The address is Belmont, for us that's North GR. Really need the crowd and honest, the music is great - the recordings are pitiful.

Studio time soon! I don't know how but it keeps coming around - almost - then falling off the map. They need it. The CD will sell, even if it's only to locals, it's a start.

And me? I busted butt on the yard, the drive, the patio and then ran out of string on the weed whacker, gas in the mower and can't find my hedge trimmer, the Bad Boy brother has my chain saw and so there is still much to do. But I got it started. Best Girl has been bailing for me but sometimes you just have to knuckle down and do it - like when you forget to write out a check for over a hundred bucks and can't figure out why the numbers don't match in the check book.....

Crap. So I stuck close to home this week and did the chores. The dogs love me for it. And I love the way it looks with the leaves scraped off the cement and the patio cleared of the greenery that didn't really belong there. Now I just have to have a big burn and get the stuff out of the upstairs, porch and garage that needs to be used for some weenies and smores.

There's always more to do. And I'm still getting the tunes from practice and the last live recordings sorted out. The hours are hard to find. Oh yeah, and I forgot to print business cards last night so I'm gonna have to run home and do some tonight before I leave - good thing the printer can run while I'm in the shower.......

Flying by and saying hi to ya'll!

Am I Blue?

2008-07-21T06:24:00.000-05:00

nope, not really. Just suffering a little let down thing after a great weekend of fun with my friends. I got to see Smilin' Girl, her mate and kids, my neice, MoB and the Band, of course when we went to Woody's. That rocked! The owner was pleased with them again! Gotta love that.

Sunday MoB and I went to the fair for the West MI Blues Society competition and had a long, hot - but fun! - day. He soaked up the music like I soak up water. Man, it was hot weather and hot music. Bless the tent I cowered under most of the afternoon.

The bands were amazing and let us see just what tight is. The people in the bands were sweet, friendly, fun and having a good time.

I was totally blown away by the winner - I didn't think they'd even make the cut. There were so many bands with more soul it just depressed me and MoB both.

But I got a lot of good photos and have posted them on the bands myspace page. The title to this links there! Go have a look.

I gotta go back to work and then home alone again.....not liking it any better but I'm more used to it. Just don't know what will happen next.

For now it's back to work.

I hear Even Cowgirls get the blues

2008-07-14T08:24:00.002-05:00

Had a good time at the rodeo. The staff there was very good and the volunteer rodies were amazing. They had us on a trailer that just barely cleared the gates. Those cowboys just picked us up and slid us over until we fit through it - wagon and all!

Musically we can do better but we did just fine, really. I'm always my most critical critic. I think I was a little lost being so far from my people like that. I'm used to working accoustic and close up. It was a long ways to the grand stand. Those we spoke with said it was okay. MoB got paid alright so it must have suited them.

Itty girl came along and got to ride on the wagon with us. I let her use my camera for the day. She had fun on the rides and getting a few prizes along with the fair food after we got done. We stayed until they closed so she could enjoy the fair.

Sunday we grilled out for the band rehersal. I handled the cooking a clean up so they could do that band bonding thing. It worked out well. MoB had a new song for them. They liked the bridge riff he worked out in it. The drummer had to leave early but the guitars have things they can work on without him so they stayed and pushed together some vocal harmonies and fancy licks.

It was great stuff. I had the recorder running and they built a song from a jam they started. I just have to dig it out and get the lyrics to them for polishing up.

The weekend ended. That's always the hard part for me. There just isn't enough budget for me to be there all week yet. The house is always emptier when I have been with friends. But I have so much to work on that the hours aren't wasted. I'd be ignoring people or not getting the projects done if I was up there all the time - so it's not all bad...

They are playing at Woody's in Bitely again this Saturday, for any of you in MI that might wanna catch some good blues and great food. It's a nice place. See the website on the sidebar to get the flyer. Check out the new myspace page for the band to hear some tunes. http://myspace.com/mobluzband

I went to the (I hate big stores!) a big store to get some photos printed and ran into a friend I had planned on stopping to see. We got caught up with each other and admired our photos. Saved me a trip, too.

Dropped off some stuff for the band and the drummer came over to show me his Harley, that was fun. It's a sweet looking ride.

Then home again, the hard part, again. But I'm making it and I'm busy and it's fun still.

See ya all around!

I wanna go home

2008-07-11T07:21:00.000-05:00

I didn't spend the night in Detroit City, that's the good news. :) Hates big cities. I spent most of the night finally burning CD's. My burner is out in my computer so the boss let me take the work machine home and I'm getting the guys some working material. By hearing how they sound they can work up tighter and cleaner. Also we need a demo CD they can each tote around with them to look for gigs. That should get done Sunday, I hope. I have to cut clips for it yet....I'm beat.

It's not physical labor but it keeps me tied to a chair and thinking all the time. My brain is just tired. I finally got to bed about 2:15 this morning. I have to stop crammin' two days into one....

And my house is a disaster area. It's not cluttered and confused so much as dusty, dog haired and neglected looking. The Best Girl is going to mow for me again and bring Grand2 along to whack weeds. I had a lady over to get paving stones and those are out of the way now so I can mow closer to the shrubs, but all shrubs need trimming, too.

I'm coming to the conclusion that if I want to sell the place it should look like someone loves it...oh- that would be me. I gotta make time for chores this week.

It won't be this weekend. I'm heading north for rehersal tonight after work. Due to gas costs I will probably stay over and go to the rodeo from there tomorrow. Sunday is band rehersal and I want to have CD's to hand them so the a.m. will be spent making those. The afternoon will be cook, record and clean up and THEN head for home to do laundry, get stuff ready for work and burn the rehersal CD's so they can hear them.

That makes it Monday, by my math, before I will have time to get after the branch that is down and needs to be chain sawed, the trees that need the branches trimmed up so I quit whacking my head on them or the weeds in my herb garden.....

Conflicts. Wanna go out and play. Wanna have a house left worth something when I am done; either to be in or sell, whatever happens next.

MoB's grandson crashed on his bike this week and had surgury yesterday for a badly broken clavical. He appears to be dealing with it well from all reports, but it put a bit of a zing in the week for the whole family. A camping trip bit the dust and MoB went to down to be with the kids while the crash victim and parents went to the hospital.

It's been a rough week over there. Mine was lonely but do-able. I did it. His was very short on work hours and that has him stressed. In Michigan right now any hours are good, but people still need enough to live on and a lot of them don't have it right now. He just sounded discouraged last night on the phone.

I'm looking forward to getting up there and seeing how I can help. May be visiting the kids to see how "Crash" is, maybe Sunday on the way home. I know there will be grilling and music. Gotta get the "rodeo songs" together tonight.

Do I sound confused and busy? Good, then I represented myself well here today! (LOL!)

Later all, hugs to each of you and do it now, love the one you're with and find a smile in your day.

You can't always get what you want

2008-07-06T09:38:00.002-05:00

but if you keep at it you can find something that will work just as well.

I have been photo blogging and recording the band to help them build a portfolio of their growth. Only I forgot the camera Friday and then the card for it on Saturday. The recordings have been made into MP3's but the burner wasn't working.

My Best Girl is watching the house for me and I took a couple days off work to extend the weekend. Gonna see #1son and family today for dinner, caught up on Eldest Daughter's blog, haven't heard from Scooter Girl but hear that bunch is ok. The nephew, B1son, got two vehicles fixed for me last week and helped out around the house. I fixed Mom's computer again. I still have the other brother's to add a printer to and fix.

And I've got four hours of wave files to convert.

See me later, right?

No Mo' Bluz

2008-07-02T10:37:00.002-05:00

Thank you all for the encouragement. I need it. It's so easy to chicken out and stay miserable and alone rather than put yourself in a place where you can be hurt or hurt another. You know you can deal with miserable and alone. You've been doing it. It's a given that you can survive it. That makes it safe.

Both of us were dealing with that. But there is a "like" between us that gave us a promise of friendship from the start. We feel the same about caring for others. We have interests in common.

We both make music, ride motorcycles, fish, and like to think we're funny. I found out that, where I just like shiny rocks, he is a skilled rock cutter. He is sans tools after a sour divorce. They are expensive to replace. I kinda looked into it but it's out of my range right now. I hope they come around for him again. Making carbochons is one of his skills. Then I can find a shiny rock and he can make it pretty for me.

Neither of us knows how to go about dating or getting accquainted. We kind of skipped that part. We just started working on getting the band up and advertised, learning some songs and such, BBQ's with the neighbors and families and just sitting around talking.

There hasn't really been opportunity or finances on either part for "dating". We gotta pay bills and keep gas in the vehicles. The band is getting booked back every where they have played so far and that cuts into weekends - work days are hard to find time in. There are miles between us until one of us can find work and move.

It's a good thing we enjoy sitting around playing guitars...it's cheap until the strings break!

I think the hardest thing for both of us at our age is loosening up and changing our habits again. I know I have some entrenched ones from the mate and I. Some of them changed when he was gone and I have to cop to "I have" some entrenched habits. You get used to doing things a certain way and to put another person in the mix throws you off.

I made a run up last night to drop off some stuff for him. He and his girl were just coming in from fishing when I got there. I pulled over and hauled the stuff to the house for them. Later we had time to go over the website and his myspace I have been managing for him and check his email from the local wifi spot.

He made me smile. He saw a link for someone who built band websites and I said they'd charge for it. He said they wouldn't do it as well as I have. (blush). I was glad he liked what I have been doing. It's really a frustration to me that I can't get the music for sale yet. I don't know how to secure the files. I'm looking into it.

What has been best for me is that I am not alone. I am with people who are caring for each other and the strays that come along like I do. We like each other. It's been - fun.

A small word that at one time I didn't know if I could ever have in my life again. It's not highly romantic.

I wanted to reassure Fred and the rest of you that I'm not going anywhere I can't get back here. I just am really busy getting sites caught up and recording tunes right now. That meant learning new software and such. I been rammin'!

But my blues are fewer and my smiles are bigger and more often.

I'm well aware of how blessed I am to even get a chance to try for the brass ring again.

Thank you.

We'll sing in the sunshine, We'll laugh every day

2008-06-29T10:23:00.005-05:00

Well, maybe not in the real world. It gets hard to keep your chin up sometimes. It's a long walk back to living and loving after a smack like losing my mate, then his two friends, the good dog, the wonder cat and then smucking the truck with a deer - For a while it seemed like all I did was cry or wish I could stop crying.

My family - especially the sis, mom and the kids - kept me knowing I was loved. Work got me up everyday. The two dogs and cat got me moving on chores and I slogged through. Things got easier this spring and then I got this band to work with, promoting, not playing with.

Then I got this guitar player, song writer to cheer up and on.

Then I liked him.

Then he liked me back.

I'm bringing my real life back on line. I've been keeping it a little quiet. But it's finally not all miserable and depressing. It's complicated, confusing and a little scary - but I'm not lost and all alone. I'm back at having a direction to go and enjoying going that way.

Anyone that knows where I've been the last two and a half years will tell you I believe we live forever and that I can catch up with all those I love later. It's still hard to learn to walk alone here. I did it, I do it, but I didn't like it. If it hadn't been for the one who prayed me back to the light and the love of my family I wouldn't maybe be here.

When I started looking around and realized I was here and that the thing I missed wasn't just the mate, but a partner in my days I knew it would be hard to start over at my age. I'm not the easiest person to hang with. I was starting to get set in my ways and a little morbid and hopeless about ever being glad to get up in the morning again. I'm not the only one dealing with that, I've met and offered care to quite a few people that are in the same mess. I decided to keep doing what I love and helping where I can and see what happened next.

I started getting out again and meeting people, making music and having fun. I smiled more. I was willing to keep living and loving, but I was lonely. No one I met quite seemed to click with me. It would be close or even possible, but it didn't go beyond friends.

It was helping a person I had only met the day before by going to a benefit and making some donations that I was blessed enough to meet MoBluz. There was a sharp click the first night but he was coming out of a bad ending to a ten year relationship. There was a hard line drawn the very first night by both of us and we stayed on our own sides.

There were things I could do for him and things he could share with me. He has family, neighbors and friends in his life every day. I was alone most of the time. I knew how to get out on the net. He is email ready but not much more yet.

We teamed up. I had fun being in the group around him while we worked over the music he writes, built the website, the business cards, burned a sample CD or two and more. It was hours of work I was glad to do to help get the tunes he does out where they can be heard. It was hours of BBQ's, laughter and music for me instead of the birdsong and silence I was getting too used to.

The first thing I liked about him was his sense of humor. The second was his music. The third was his caring heart. The way his kids love and respect him made an impression on me.

He likes me, too. (wow!)

He asked me to explore the possibility of a permanent relationship with him. There's a lot of "earth" reasons it might be too hard for one or the other of us but we are both stubborn.
We are gonna take a swing at it.

We were both afraid of getting hurt or hurting another person again. Yesterday I woke up knowing there is a hurt buried and ignored in every love we have here with another person. If you spend your days wondering if you will get hurt and if you can deal with it you are spending your time afraid instead of loving.

By accepting that you are going to get hurt one way or the other or that you may hurt someone either by leaving or "dying" then you can let that fear go.

I looked at the hurts I have lived through and know that the final separation is the hardest and I made it through that - I have lived through cheating, lies, betrayals, divorces and death. If I get hurt I will get through it somehow. If I hurt him I will forgive myself somehow and he will live through it somehow.

I don't have to be afraid, I just have to be willing to try and accept what comes. I was freed of my fear yesterday. That fear of all the things that might be wrong or go wrong, that fear of pain, I let go of it. I put it behind me and decided to love, not fear.

I am going to be running with MoBluz in tandem for a shot at the long haul. I like his heart. He likes my heart. This isn't hormones and heat like kids, it's not lust for a body, it's not one of us after the other's money, we are both behind and trying to catch up - this is seeing a good man and knowing him for what he is, not what he appears to be. It's the same on his side. He likes my heart. I like it this way.

So I haven't been online much, I'm out living and loving, riding the motorcycle, having vehicles break down, get replaced or repaired, meeting new people, singing and making morning coffee for two again. I'm alive. I'm loving. I am being loved.

Be glad for me, friends.

It may blow up on me, but I'm not gonna miss a chance to love again. I just haven't been ready to put it up here. There's no rings, no promises, no paperwork and may never be. But there's caring affection, mutual interests and enough differences to keep us adjusting and interested in ways to get around them .

and besides, it's been really fun! Thanks for caring, Fred, Hugs Anvil and hello all of you I haven't been in touch with much, I love you but I'm busy right now in the "real" world.

Wish me luck and blessings, I want to see this one go. I really like him.

Nobody loves ya when you're down and out

2008-06-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

but I had a lot of fun getting that way. It was a busy weekend, right from stepping out the door Friday to landing back in my office chair Monday. I'm still tired.

I flew out of here and beat feet to the store, stocked up animal food and a few groceries, raced the truck home, unloaded, fed animals, grabbed a shower, changed, packed up for the next night and launched north.

There are a lot of fun stories about the first load, roll and set up but they're not mine to tell (darn it!) so let me just say it took all five of us to get them making music this weekend. The run for the gel covers on the lights almost made MoBluz and me late getting there the first night. Traffic was typical for a Friday - double nasty.

But I walked into the Westwood and was greeted by the ChairMan, a friend from the office, his wife, her sister and husband. That was fun! I helped a little hauling then sat with my friends and yacked while the guys got going.

Then the fun really started. I knew already I liked this bunch from hearing the pieces and parts from the benefit where I met the three piece and listening to Hotlicks and MoBluz practice. I had never heard the four altogether.

Just - wow! WOW!

There is polish and timing and fine tuning to do, as there is with any group adding a new member and new music, there is no doubt in me that they are gonna SHINE when they get this tightened up! The bass layed low and deep, the drums were steady and sharp and the two guitars were making me think of Flat and Scruggs only in a blues format.

The original tunes had people dancing, the standards kept them smiling and singing along. Both nights were good. The only lack was a bigger crowd and Tom Petty was playing across town. I can't feel badly that we didn't draw against a player like him. It's just the breaks!

You just have to feel good when you are winding up the night and the bar books you back for four more appearances. So, ya, WOW!

Saturday there was a call for MoB (now Mo bee cause I'm too lazy to keep typing it) to pull a solo for a friend that had to pass on it. Sunday MoB and I hit the road and he scared up two more gigs with one or two more interested.

Seven bookings in two days. I like it - a LOT!

There was life in between the music. Bitsy girl liked the activity book I found for her. I think MoB found the grill cleaner last night. I bet he liked it..sneaky me, I just shoved it under the grill lid - that was fun.

Got a call from the #1son checking in and had to fade on him again because I was on the road. I hate doing that. I need to get over and see him.

Grand#1 graduated this weekend. I had given him his gift to defray prom costs earlier. Best Girl sent the photos to me though. They were beauty!

Didn't get the boat in the lake yet but did get a major bike ride in and wore myself out. The dogs hate me for being gone so much but with gas priced so high I couldn't afford to run back and forth much so they got by outside with the food dispenser and two extra buckets for water.

I was beat when I got home from work last night. My buddy the Magic Man needed a hand with a website and I ran over to give him one. I got home later than I wanted to and got the laundry started.

Then MoB called to say his car finally made the decision for him on getting it fixed or junking it. The thing died yesterday. We're praying up a miracle vehicle for him, there's just not much to work with for finances yet.

Jeanette took a day off and went fishing yesterday. I didn't get to see her but she needed the break I think. I was glad she got to play with our friend in her boat. They had a good time.

KMA has been silent this week but I'll ring her up tomorrow night. Janet saw the Sis, as did I but we haven't had time for each other this week. Gloomy Guy was still trying to get the computer working for him. I hope he did. I should call him, too.

So we are all up and running on and I gotta go! Catch ya when I can!

In the summer time when all the leaves and trees are green

2008-05-28T01:54:00.000-05:00

I'm just finally getting my feet back under me. It took until Sunday for me to feel even close to functional again.

I had a nice dinner Monday with the #1Son and DIL. The grand girl was at her cutest for my visit. We had fun playing until dinner was ready. I visited the sis on Tuesday and went from there to work with MoBluz on some fine tuning of the way we are recording his stuff. It was more like school than visiting but we made good progress.

I beat feet home for Bible Study. Mom has been gone to FL for a couple weeks and we had a lot of catching up to do. She had a great time and got to visit with my other sis down there as well as her friends.

So I'm up, going back to work today and mostly better. I still have the cough and some congestion but some of that is allergies.

Ya'll have fun!

I'll catch up with you later when my chores are through

2008-05-22T10:34:00.003-05:00

It's difficult to balance the gladness I feel against the sadness others are feeling at having another friend pass over.

It's been a day bringing me, again, an awareness of my time limits. We only get just so long here.

Grama Genevieve was the mate's (step) grandmother. She married Grampa after his first wife died. She raised two girls, was a lady all of her life. He went ahead of her years ago.

The mate and I stayed pretty close to her over the years. She was a staunch Free Methodist but still welcomed me kindly when I married her oldest grandson. She had a loving heart and caring ways toward me.

She went ahead of me yesterday. Her children and their families will miss her. Alzheimer's was a problem the last two years though and she will be glad to be done with that.

Saturday we will bury the remains. That phrase has been haunting my thoughts. The body she is done with we will tuck away. The remains of her caring love over the years will be right here, alive in each heart she touched with her life. I will carry "her remains" with me while I am here.

She gave me comfort when I was a new widow as one who knew the place I stood. She encouraged me to be caring and loving. She sent me Guide Posts. That was a good thing, to her. I even confess to enjoying most of the stories. For the twenty years I had the mate I spent at least two holidays with her a year and we always had fun visiting. I will miss her but I can't grieve her. She is back with her partner and has shed the body that no longer functioned correctly. I can only say we will miss her. She was the matriarch of that family.

I had just gotten the times and dates for that funeral when I found out I had missed knowing that my dear friend lost her father last weekend. I've been sick, I would not have been able to go anyway. But I was sorry to be unavailable to her if she needed me.

I'm sending a card with a note. It's not the same, but it's all I can do. I am still very non-functional. I am hoping to rest it out of me this weekend.

I don't want to spend the time I have here laid up. I did enough of that to suit me. But I am taking Friday and Tuesday off so I hope to be back up and jamming soon.

Doctor, doctor, give me the news

2008-05-20T12:18:00.002-05:00

I've got a bad case of "sicker than a dog". It doesn't rhyme but it's truth. I haven't been this sick in a long time, if I don't count the heart attacks...LOL!

I made it through work Friday. I spent the weekend pretty much holed up and miserable except for a run to replace meds on Monday. I did drop some paperwork off for MoBluz, I wasn't there very long. The meds just couldn't cut it. I got home to find the power out. No surprise. It was almost dark so I took my medicine and went to bed. It came back on the next afternoon.

I needed to clean the fridge out anyway. :(

I am back at work today. No choice. But it's getting a little more under control. I'm just losing my voice again. Not really a big loss, having to be quiet and consider my words is good practice.

I may have some new readers coming through and I just wanted to say that no matter how old a post is I will be notified if you comment. Please feel free to jump in anywhere. I will reply when I can. You are welcome to poke around in here. It's public.

It is also my "home". I don't hesitate to delete if needed to keep the place clean and suitable for my family.

I got some web work done at home and when I ran for meds Monday I stopped by the hot spot and uploaded the pages. Carol is selling out her Gypsy Shires, Drum Horses, Cobs and Spotted Drafts. At 71 it's just gotten to be too much for her. If you want a beautiful, large horse, check Aldershire Farm on the side bar.

The MoBluz site got the links page updated. I will be working on the band info and members next. They have more going on all the time and it's fun to see a "launch" going well once more. It's been a long time since music was in my life everyday and it's not a bad thing to have a taste of it again. I have enjoyed it. I needed that, just to have fun in my days.

The Mom is on her way back from Florida. Looking forward to the updates. I don't expect her to make it to bible study tonight. Sis and I get one more night of our private study before having to "be good" because the mom is there again. (snicker!) Or I may call it because I'm still not good.

I got the bike back and it's been cold or I've been under the weather ever since. I'm wanting that first long day of going no particular where and enjoying the ride. As hard as it is to ride alone and to ride this bike I have learned that it's better than no bike in my life. I'm working on that, too.

So catch me later...

one is the lonliest number

2008-05-14T10:54:00.003-05:00

sometimes. Sometimes it's the only way to go. Right now, I'm good. But there are times that having no back up around the house gets hard. Not just for me, but for all the singles I know.

Last night was Bible Study but the Mom has gone to Florida and it was just me and Sis. Shy Girl and her mate have a new one on Thursday that they can go to together so we don't see her much. Gloomy Guy has been too depressed to move much, I keep hoping he will find work, it's what he needs - to feel productive again. Jeanette is on second shift and I can't catch her hardly at all. The kids (hers) have helped me out and I have visted with them a couple times, but I don't see her very often. So, anyway, Sis and I burned dinner together and talked. We did study but it was on the verses I have been in, not our "regular chapter" the Mom is leading us through.

Mobluz's mechanic sent his car back with no fix; No parts, not meaness. I was going to call and see about taking it to my bud's place but he called me, just before we got done "studying". I arranged to borrow his car and leave my truck with him last night. I can at least let the kids look at it and give me their opinion on what is wrong with it.

I'm not braggin, just wanting to say that I recognize I am a functioning, caring human again when two years ago I was an empty body missing it's spirit with no concept of living without the one I had loved and who had loved me for so long.

Now I have seen others walking with no back up and find that it's easy for me to want to fill the gap when I can, the way I hope to have it filled for me again, someday. It's hard to manage a house, job and life with only two hands. I have the strength to reach out to others because of those who reached out to me when I was so down.

When we help each other out, we multiply the caring hearts in the world, give each other hope and divide the difficulties in half. It's not a bad way to live, caring about each other.

So many of my people, including you blogger friends ,are caring and giving people. It shows in their lives and your writing. I think I just wanted to say thank you. By sharing with me you lift my load a little. By caring about me you let me know I am not alone, just by myself right now.

You are a great bunch! From the kids (my five), the family and my friends to my virtual friends I receive an invisible but tangible support that keeps me, not just moving, but, caring about others enough to lend an hand, not just need one.

I am blessed. May all of your days be good ones!